These are the words that were on my page this morning, the song is attached
The song I have chosen is Oh How He Loves Us by the Dave Crowder band.
Well it has certainly been a while since I have been with you all. I am still doing really well after the radiation. I have continued to gain weight:) I am now at 3 pounds gained which is awesome.
So this summer was amazing. Alex went off to camp and was a leader for the first time. She is on fire for God----I love it:)
I have changed the picture to one of Jesus playing soccer with the children in Mexico. My friend went to Tijuana in August to build houses for some single mums and this picture was up so they took a picture of it. It reminded me of how much God loves us and reminded me of how He wants us to come to Him like children. It also is a reminder for me about my time in Ensenada when I was serving on the missions team.
My hair has started to grow back in a very odd way. I describe it as a ying-yang type shape...very peculiar. You know the last blog I said I'd email all the events of the summer in this blog but I cannot think of any of them. My daughter's camp experience was the biggest for me this summer and the fact that radiation went so well. I am sure more things happened but nothing seems important at this point.
I have applied to Thompson River University to do a Psychology course thru correspondence so that is SO EXCITING for me. I want to go into criminology (for interest) and I need this course as a pre-requisite. I should start by my birthday but I will keep you updated. Oh when is my birthday you ask(cheeky grin) It's October 25, I love happy birthdays and cards so I make sure EVERYONE knows :)
Can I pray for you? My face book group is doing well. I am having lots of different people comment and ask for prayer as well as contact me directly and asking me to anonymously 'word' a prayer and post it for them. I am so thrilled that God is using this platform to bring people closer to Him. I am so totally blessed to be a part of all this.
I have ordered a DVD and workbook series on dream interpretation which I am super excited to work thru:)
I think that's it for now....thinking...I have an MRI in a couple months to make sure that everything got zapped properly..I'm not concerned.
Blessings to you all and thank you for following along with me and Go for our journey thru this part of my life.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
"Here I am, meet me"
These are the words greeting me this morning on my nice clean white sheet of paper that I've been away from for 2 weeks. (CLICK ON TITLE FOR SONG)
So, it's been a while since I've been here. I had decided to take 2 weeks vacation from work while I was on my last stretch of my treatment. I finished my radiation on Wednesday August 24, 2011. WOOHOO done!!!!!!!
I can tell you that I was totally lifted up in prayer because I had minimal if any side effects while I was on it. I didn't have any seizures, my headaches increased only minimally. I have a sore scalp from the burns and I lost all my hair but I'm totally rockin' a head scarf. (I have one to match EVERYTHING in my closet), no need to look icky just because I'm on radiation. I decided to embrace it and look classy not sickly.
I am back at work today which is why I am able to write to all of you. I missed my job and feel like my life has some form of normalcy to it again. I like my routine.
I feel slowly slowly that I am gaining some confidence back. I am just becoming more like the woman I want to be not like the woman, I feel, this cancer has made me into.
It's funny because my friends and family think I'm just as confident as I was back before I was diagnosed, but "oh no" I'm so not that same person.
The song I chose is Never Alone by The Barlow Girls because often when we are in the drudges of life we feel that God is not there and that He has left us because we cannot see Him, feel Him or even hear Him. I have learned thru my radiation that although at times it felt like that.....I can't get rid of Him. I invited Him into my life and there's 'no-go-backsies'
The amount of times I laid there bolted to the table not being able to move, even if there was a fire...I giggled a bit because I thought, man if I sneeze that would be gross cause my head couldn't move at all. NOT even a little bit.
Anyways, as I was saying, I would lay there and would just be praying over and over. God and I had a few really good conversations during that 15-20 minutes of my day. At first I figured I'd memorize the names of the 12 disciples but that only took a couple sessions. (I've forgotten most of them now I think :) )
Some days I heard Gods voice comforting me and others I just felt I needed to focus on Him and not focus on hearing or speaking, just 'Be still and know that He is God'
The mask that had been made for my head is now sitting at home waiting until my awesome girl decides what to do with it. She is going to do some art on it/with it.
In two months if I have any adverse side effects then I will go back to see my oncologist. (not expecting too) In about 4 or so months I will go and have an MRI and he is confident that the radiation got everything so I'll just have a dead tumour in my head...& some brains too :)
So please pray for that, oh and that when my hair grows back it comes in curly. I'd like just a little perk from all this. Ive never had curly hair and would LOVE it. What a good life I have when I can pray asking for curly hair.
I realized a lot about myself , friends and family thru-out all this so thank you for ALL your support.
I'll update when schools go back, a summer re cap, because many other wicked cool things happened but too much info for one blog, it deserves its own entry:)
Bless you all.
Melanie
So, it's been a while since I've been here. I had decided to take 2 weeks vacation from work while I was on my last stretch of my treatment. I finished my radiation on Wednesday August 24, 2011. WOOHOO done!!!!!!!
I can tell you that I was totally lifted up in prayer because I had minimal if any side effects while I was on it. I didn't have any seizures, my headaches increased only minimally. I have a sore scalp from the burns and I lost all my hair but I'm totally rockin' a head scarf. (I have one to match EVERYTHING in my closet), no need to look icky just because I'm on radiation. I decided to embrace it and look classy not sickly.
I am back at work today which is why I am able to write to all of you. I missed my job and feel like my life has some form of normalcy to it again. I like my routine.
I feel slowly slowly that I am gaining some confidence back. I am just becoming more like the woman I want to be not like the woman, I feel, this cancer has made me into.
It's funny because my friends and family think I'm just as confident as I was back before I was diagnosed, but "oh no" I'm so not that same person.
The song I chose is Never Alone by The Barlow Girls because often when we are in the drudges of life we feel that God is not there and that He has left us because we cannot see Him, feel Him or even hear Him. I have learned thru my radiation that although at times it felt like that.....I can't get rid of Him. I invited Him into my life and there's 'no-go-backsies'
The amount of times I laid there bolted to the table not being able to move, even if there was a fire...I giggled a bit because I thought, man if I sneeze that would be gross cause my head couldn't move at all. NOT even a little bit.
Anyways, as I was saying, I would lay there and would just be praying over and over. God and I had a few really good conversations during that 15-20 minutes of my day. At first I figured I'd memorize the names of the 12 disciples but that only took a couple sessions. (I've forgotten most of them now I think :) )Some days I heard Gods voice comforting me and others I just felt I needed to focus on Him and not focus on hearing or speaking, just 'Be still and know that He is God'
The mask that had been made for my head is now sitting at home waiting until my awesome girl decides what to do with it. She is going to do some art on it/with it.
In two months if I have any adverse side effects then I will go back to see my oncologist. (not expecting too) In about 4 or so months I will go and have an MRI and he is confident that the radiation got everything so I'll just have a dead tumour in my head...& some brains too :)
So please pray for that, oh and that when my hair grows back it comes in curly. I'd like just a little perk from all this. Ive never had curly hair and would LOVE it. What a good life I have when I can pray asking for curly hair.
I realized a lot about myself , friends and family thru-out all this so thank you for ALL your support.
I'll update when schools go back, a summer re cap, because many other wicked cool things happened but too much info for one blog, it deserves its own entry:)
Bless you all.
Melanie
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Raise your eyes, here I am
Click the title and rock out with God!
These are the words that greet me on my blank page this morning as I get into another week of work. I was off yesterday because I had a neurologist appointment, nothing new there. My head is completely shaven now. It started to fall out on Thursday of last week and it creeped me out a bit so I took a razor and off it came.
Apparently I still have the loss of my right eyebrow to look forward to. I hope it doesn't fall out. I can wrap my scarf around my head but .....well I'll where a band aid if it comes out. I'm sure they don't take long to grow back in.
I'm feeling good these days. My head is in a good place, my job is awesome and Alex and I are getting along spectacularly. Really, asides from getting radiation for brain cancer I have a great life. My friends are in Tijuana right now building houses for single mums. I can't wait until I can get back out there and do some more missions work.............so excited about that. I've been slowly saving money to fund my trips. I don't know exactly where I'll go, I'll leave that to God. Alex and I figure we'll meet up in Africa somewhere :)
Well, I was just wanting to let you all know that life is great, God is wicked cool and I only have 2 more weeks of radiation.
Blessings to you all.
Big Hugs,
Mel.
These are the words that greet me on my blank page this morning as I get into another week of work. I was off yesterday because I had a neurologist appointment, nothing new there. My head is completely shaven now. It started to fall out on Thursday of last week and it creeped me out a bit so I took a razor and off it came.
Apparently I still have the loss of my right eyebrow to look forward to. I hope it doesn't fall out. I can wrap my scarf around my head but .....well I'll where a band aid if it comes out. I'm sure they don't take long to grow back in.
I'm feeling good these days. My head is in a good place, my job is awesome and Alex and I are getting along spectacularly. Really, asides from getting radiation for brain cancer I have a great life. My friends are in Tijuana right now building houses for single mums. I can't wait until I can get back out there and do some more missions work.............so excited about that. I've been slowly saving money to fund my trips. I don't know exactly where I'll go, I'll leave that to God. Alex and I figure we'll meet up in Africa somewhere :)
Well, I was just wanting to let you all know that life is great, God is wicked cool and I only have 2 more weeks of radiation.
Blessings to you all.
Big Hugs,
Mel.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Be true to yourself
Click on title for the song and enjoy.
'Be true to yourself', these are the words that greeted me this morning as I came to work and got ready to start a very productive day.
This is a big month! This is the month I finish my radiation. Probably around August 23,24 or 25th. Not entirely sure yet but somewhere in there.
So, I am feeling pretty good these days. Yesterday I had some very productive time praying and listening to God. I have realised many things and one of them is that I am not to spend money foolishly in this world, I am to keep my money for what I had originally saved it for which was my next missions trip.
The opportunity came up this weekend to get a Murphy bed (one that drops out of a fake unit on a wall). I thought then Alex would have my sofa bed and she'd have a hang out area in her bedroom but, I prayed about it and really felt God saying not to buy it because there are more important things to be putting my money towards. There is still a missions trip to Africa I would like to someday make and that will cost a pretty penny.
So I am going into Alex's final year at high school and that is a little scary for me. I've only ever known her in school and her graduating year is a HUGE year. It is not one that you can look at and say one day at a time because as a single parent many things change once your child turns 18 so you need to plan for these things.
Anyways, I just felt like I'd share these thoughts with you. Overall I am feeling back on track with God and that gives me such comfort.
Bless you all.
Me
'Be true to yourself', these are the words that greeted me this morning as I came to work and got ready to start a very productive day.
This is a big month! This is the month I finish my radiation. Probably around August 23,24 or 25th. Not entirely sure yet but somewhere in there.
So, I am feeling pretty good these days. Yesterday I had some very productive time praying and listening to God. I have realised many things and one of them is that I am not to spend money foolishly in this world, I am to keep my money for what I had originally saved it for which was my next missions trip.
The opportunity came up this weekend to get a Murphy bed (one that drops out of a fake unit on a wall). I thought then Alex would have my sofa bed and she'd have a hang out area in her bedroom but, I prayed about it and really felt God saying not to buy it because there are more important things to be putting my money towards. There is still a missions trip to Africa I would like to someday make and that will cost a pretty penny.
So I am going into Alex's final year at high school and that is a little scary for me. I've only ever known her in school and her graduating year is a HUGE year. It is not one that you can look at and say one day at a time because as a single parent many things change once your child turns 18 so you need to plan for these things.
Anyways, I just felt like I'd share these thoughts with you. Overall I am feeling back on track with God and that gives me such comfort.
Bless you all.
Me
Monday, 25 July 2011
I am here also.
Please click on the title for the song.
Good morning everyone. I have had a very reflective & very emotional weekend and I have realised a few things.
I feel that I've been focusing so much on how or if others will see God in how I handle this whole radiation thing that I have lost sight of God myself. This was a hard thing to accept as I was broken this weekend and I really-finally-admitted to myself that I feel like I was robbed when I was diagnosed 4 yrs ago. I am angry under the facad (sp) of calm and coolness. I am tired of putting on the brave face for others to see and I am tired of lieing to myself and trying to hide my feelings from God. Which we all know is not possible but I tried. The reason I chose the song, attached, that I did was because I was trying to think of a song that really tapped in to how I felt over the weekend and I thought of this one from months ago that I had and as soon as i played it the emotions came on so I know this was the song. I found it kind of funny how at a strong part of the song it shows someone grabbing their bald marked head, a bald woman laying down and a bald person splashing thru the water. (coincidence? I think not). Anyways, I wanted to put it out there because it needs to be brought into the light for me to move forward. So there. its said and I know that I will move past this, I just need to get re-rooted with God and then let go of the last 4 years and then move on (easier said then done). Can I just ask that people not call me with advice or opinions or suggestions. Although I know they would come from your heart. Considering I have spent the last, I don't even know how long, acting for the benefit of others, I'd kinda like to do this without influence.
This is me taking a break from my cancer.
I am realising now that my cancer does not define me and I need to find out who I am in all this because I got lost somewhere along the way and so did God. He went left and I went right, so to speak.
Bless you all and please continue to pray for me.
Mel
Thursday, 21 July 2011
"Stand firm with my armor child"
The words at the top of my page today. Click on the title for the song.
So I am almost finished week #1 of my radiation. So far so good, I mean it could always be worse, it could always be better. Really one off sets the other right?!
No new side effects yet, really tired though WOW. I was not expecting to be that tired. I am in awe at how people say the most bizarre of things when they don't know what to say. I am so glad I am not the only one who does that:)
I AM dealing with it, however, you are geographically impaired and don't see me more than once or twice a month at best so please don't assume that I'm not dealing with it. I am and at times I am weak and cry a bit but those times are mainly when God and I are talking and are not about anyone else but Him and I. I expect that the normal response to what I'm facing would be some sadness at the unknown, of the restriction of my mask, of the beams that are bouncing into my brain. I expect that this is all rather normal but like some people wake up and just feel off their game I too have days like that so really I am NO different then the rest of the world. Some days I wake up and feel so grounded in my faith that nothing could move me and I feel as if all my emotions are kept in place. other days I wake up and my emotions are more to the surface and showing, its on those days that I pray more and think less. The only way my family and I are getting thru this is with prayer and most importantly God. We know that at the end of the day He is the One that stands by us regardless of how we feel.
My daughter told me about Gods body of armor in the Bible and it has come to be quite a verse with me now, in fact, not knowing, my friend brought me a card that has the verse on one side and on the other there is a 'knight' with the armor on and at the bottom it says Armor of God.
I'm going to write this because I think one of you needs to hear this today.
"...Therefore take the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth,and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the equipment of the gospel of peace; besides all these, taking the shield of faith, with which you can quench all the flaming darts of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God."
Well, I think I will end it with that. Of course when I feel like writing again I will. Please enjoy the songs I attach to the titles. They have spoken to me along this path and its cool for you to come along for what looks like....a wicked cool ride!
So I am almost finished week #1 of my radiation. So far so good, I mean it could always be worse, it could always be better. Really one off sets the other right?!
No new side effects yet, really tired though WOW. I was not expecting to be that tired. I am in awe at how people say the most bizarre of things when they don't know what to say. I am so glad I am not the only one who does that:)
I AM dealing with it, however, you are geographically impaired and don't see me more than once or twice a month at best so please don't assume that I'm not dealing with it. I am and at times I am weak and cry a bit but those times are mainly when God and I are talking and are not about anyone else but Him and I. I expect that the normal response to what I'm facing would be some sadness at the unknown, of the restriction of my mask, of the beams that are bouncing into my brain. I expect that this is all rather normal but like some people wake up and just feel off their game I too have days like that so really I am NO different then the rest of the world. Some days I wake up and feel so grounded in my faith that nothing could move me and I feel as if all my emotions are kept in place. other days I wake up and my emotions are more to the surface and showing, its on those days that I pray more and think less. The only way my family and I are getting thru this is with prayer and most importantly God. We know that at the end of the day He is the One that stands by us regardless of how we feel.
My daughter told me about Gods body of armor in the Bible and it has come to be quite a verse with me now, in fact, not knowing, my friend brought me a card that has the verse on one side and on the other there is a 'knight' with the armor on and at the bottom it says Armor of God.
I'm going to write this because I think one of you needs to hear this today.
Well, I think I will end it with that. Of course when I feel like writing again I will. Please enjoy the songs I attach to the titles. They have spoken to me along this path and its cool for you to come along for what looks like....a wicked cool ride!
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Let it go, I am here!
PLEASE CLICK ON TITLE FOR SONG AND LYRICS...NOT HEAVY
These are the words at the top of my page today. Let it go, I am here!
So today is the day that I shave my head. I am feeling like I have been slipping into the old Mel. Hard Mel, listening to hard music, even hard Christian music. Within our faith we can rebel too and somehow justify it. The music might be hard but that's OK because its Christian music but what I didn't realise is that it was taking me back to that hard place. My Pastor Shane prayed with me yesterday for how I would handle my radiation and he says to me, " I have a sense Mel that I need to ask you if there is anything you need to lay at the cross? Is there anything that you need to (I cant remember the words)...but basically is there anything that I have started to slip back into that I need to submit to God again. Well I had already started to cry because I knew exactly what he was talking about so I knew it came from God because it was bang on and Shane couldn't have known whats been going on with me, no one has known, its just my thing. Anyways, so I prayed and asked God to take away my need to lose myself in the hardness of heavy music where I go for an escape and to remind me to just lean on Him and not spiral down into that dark pit. I was also reminded by my daughter on Sunday that there is a constant battle for our heads and it goes on and on, we don't see it but it is going on behind the scenes so when the time comes when we are feeling vulnerable that's when we really need to up our game and hang on to God with all we have.
I chose the song I did because, its like I recognize and submit and am now once again coming out of the darkness with God, he brought me out into the light and this will be a daily submission and commitment. I wanted to share it with you all. I hope it speaks to even one of you, maybe you are feeling like I am and maybe you just needed a reminder that even as Christians we can rebel and it is still not what God wants for us. I never thought I could rebel within Christianity but you can and not even realise whats happening.
God bless you and may you always be protected by angels and the armor of God.
These are the words at the top of my page today. Let it go, I am here!
So today is the day that I shave my head. I am feeling like I have been slipping into the old Mel. Hard Mel, listening to hard music, even hard Christian music. Within our faith we can rebel too and somehow justify it. The music might be hard but that's OK because its Christian music but what I didn't realise is that it was taking me back to that hard place. My Pastor Shane prayed with me yesterday for how I would handle my radiation and he says to me, " I have a sense Mel that I need to ask you if there is anything you need to lay at the cross? Is there anything that you need to (I cant remember the words)...but basically is there anything that I have started to slip back into that I need to submit to God again. Well I had already started to cry because I knew exactly what he was talking about so I knew it came from God because it was bang on and Shane couldn't have known whats been going on with me, no one has known, its just my thing. Anyways, so I prayed and asked God to take away my need to lose myself in the hardness of heavy music where I go for an escape and to remind me to just lean on Him and not spiral down into that dark pit. I was also reminded by my daughter on Sunday that there is a constant battle for our heads and it goes on and on, we don't see it but it is going on behind the scenes so when the time comes when we are feeling vulnerable that's when we really need to up our game and hang on to God with all we have.
I chose the song I did because, its like I recognize and submit and am now once again coming out of the darkness with God, he brought me out into the light and this will be a daily submission and commitment. I wanted to share it with you all. I hope it speaks to even one of you, maybe you are feeling like I am and maybe you just needed a reminder that even as Christians we can rebel and it is still not what God wants for us. I never thought I could rebel within Christianity but you can and not even realise whats happening.
God bless you and may you always be protected by angels and the armor of God.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
...test me and know my anxious thoughts...lead me in the way everlasting
CLICK ON TITLE FOR SONG LINK
Even perfect days can end in rain. But at the end of the day , I KNOW who's child I am and that's what will get me thru this season in my life...I am praying that each treatment as I lay strapped down encaged in that mask that I hear the gentle whisper of Gods voice in my ear.
Can I get an AMEN?!
Even perfect days can end in rain. But at the end of the day , I KNOW who's child I am and that's what will get me thru this season in my life...I am praying that each treatment as I lay strapped down encaged in that mask that I hear the gentle whisper of Gods voice in my ear.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
BREATHE INTO ME!!!!
WARNING!!!!!!! THIS IS A VERY LOUD SONG (CHRISTIAN METAL) SO EITHER TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN AND READ THE LYRICS OR LISTEN TO IT AND GET INSIDE MY HEAD-----YOUR CALL, BUT CONSIDERED YOURSELVES WARNED!!!
So I am going thru some serious stuff now getting set up for my radiation. There's a lot of fear, I'd be lieing and hypocritical to say I was totally fine. I'm scared and I feel the seriousness of the situation...its beyond joking because it is real. Yesterday when I was getting my mask made and when I was in the CT scan machine I prayed so hard....my spirit cried out to God. And the funny thing is that I put on the brave face for everyone else because it makes all of 'you' feel OK and then I feel OK cause you're all OK, its like a vicious cycle so how about no one ask me how I'm doing and when I want to talk about it I will. Right now I just want to work it out in my head with God and as you can tell by the song Him and I are working pretty hard right now.
Breathe your life into me!
I can feel Him right here beside me....and I keep reaching out my hand then pulling it back, then reaching out again and pulling it back, yesterday I reached out my hand and I let Him take it.
We all have fear but as I've said before, faith means feeling the fear & moving ahead to Gods will anyway, I like taking out will and putting in arms. Id rather fall into His arms.
So this is a hard chapter of my life. I will blog and email and face book, but for some reason talking about it is just too hard right now.
If you have comments or questions I am happy to read and answer them but please remember....I know there's people worse off then I am, I know that God is right here with me, I know everyone cares and they just want to help. I know that I know what I know. But this is a journey that I am going alone, no matter how empathetic you are, bottom line is that I need to do it and right now its not easy for me. No question, I cannot imagine going thru this without God holding my hand but sometimes we hang on as best as we can because in that moment letting go seems the easiest thing to do----I WILL NOT LET GO!!!!
Please continue to pray for me my dear friends.
Blessings to you all.
(this is the raw Melanie)
So I am going thru some serious stuff now getting set up for my radiation. There's a lot of fear, I'd be lieing and hypocritical to say I was totally fine. I'm scared and I feel the seriousness of the situation...its beyond joking because it is real. Yesterday when I was getting my mask made and when I was in the CT scan machine I prayed so hard....my spirit cried out to God. And the funny thing is that I put on the brave face for everyone else because it makes all of 'you' feel OK and then I feel OK cause you're all OK, its like a vicious cycle so how about no one ask me how I'm doing and when I want to talk about it I will. Right now I just want to work it out in my head with God and as you can tell by the song Him and I are working pretty hard right now.
Breathe your life into me!
I can feel Him right here beside me....and I keep reaching out my hand then pulling it back, then reaching out again and pulling it back, yesterday I reached out my hand and I let Him take it.
We all have fear but as I've said before, faith means feeling the fear & moving ahead to Gods will anyway, I like taking out will and putting in arms. Id rather fall into His arms.
So this is a hard chapter of my life. I will blog and email and face book, but for some reason talking about it is just too hard right now.
If you have comments or questions I am happy to read and answer them but please remember....I know there's people worse off then I am, I know that God is right here with me, I know everyone cares and they just want to help. I know that I know what I know. But this is a journey that I am going alone, no matter how empathetic you are, bottom line is that I need to do it and right now its not easy for me. No question, I cannot imagine going thru this without God holding my hand but sometimes we hang on as best as we can because in that moment letting go seems the easiest thing to do----I WILL NOT LET GO!!!!
Please continue to pray for me my dear friends.
Blessings to you all.
(this is the raw Melanie)
Monday, 4 July 2011
He reigns from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love...
I heard this song and thought He reigns over everything, even this crap!! Even as scared as I am right now looking into the next 5 weeks with radiation and wishing my daughter didn't have to go thru it. Wishing my family didn't have to go thru it. It would be SO much easier if it was just God and I.
I know He is reigning over this chapter because He reigns over my life and this is part of my life....a scary part....but He is there.
As I look ahead at what will inevitably be my life, suddenly the me in me that once said, "whatever I'll rock a bald head I don't care!" That statement now is so NOT going to happen. I don't even want to see my big ugly scar on my head, never mind everyone else. Tomorrow I have to go to get the mask for my head molded so that when I get zapped I don't move. Like as if I would!!!!move I mean!!!
My daughter asked me last night if I was going to change...and my heart broke, even as I type this I can feel my eyes well up. I told her not too worry that I will still be same mum that I've always been. You have no idea how hard that is to tell your child that you wont change after you start radiation, half telling yourself at the same time.
It is so hard seeing her go thru this. She's only 17 and although she's a very faith rooted young woman, I am still her mother and I still worry about her. Its easy to say "oh well, it is what it is" but saying and believing it is not the same thing. I say it but then when something changes in my tumour or my treatment---its scary, evening knowing God is right there and it'll be OK, I will default back to 'Faith means feeling the fear and falling into Gods will anyway'!
And again saying this and living it is not the same thing but this is one statement that I CAN live! This is very real to me. I can have fear, I don't sit in it, I feel it give it to God and move onto the next chapter----OK maybe it takes a day or two but I do move on eventually :)
So please pray for me as I go in tomorrow to have my mask made and to hear what my radiation plan is. Again my life will change so drastically but really aren't all our lives changing all the time? Mine is just going to do it a bit faster than the majority.
I love reading your comments, I find them very encouraging so please leave them.
Thanks you guys for all your support and for staying in touch with my blog.
God bless you all
I know He is reigning over this chapter because He reigns over my life and this is part of my life....a scary part....but He is there.
As I look ahead at what will inevitably be my life, suddenly the me in me that once said, "whatever I'll rock a bald head I don't care!" That statement now is so NOT going to happen. I don't even want to see my big ugly scar on my head, never mind everyone else. Tomorrow I have to go to get the mask for my head molded so that when I get zapped I don't move. Like as if I would!!!!move I mean!!!
My daughter asked me last night if I was going to change...and my heart broke, even as I type this I can feel my eyes well up. I told her not too worry that I will still be same mum that I've always been. You have no idea how hard that is to tell your child that you wont change after you start radiation, half telling yourself at the same time.
It is so hard seeing her go thru this. She's only 17 and although she's a very faith rooted young woman, I am still her mother and I still worry about her. Its easy to say "oh well, it is what it is" but saying and believing it is not the same thing. I say it but then when something changes in my tumour or my treatment---its scary, evening knowing God is right there and it'll be OK, I will default back to 'Faith means feeling the fear and falling into Gods will anyway'!
And again saying this and living it is not the same thing but this is one statement that I CAN live! This is very real to me. I can have fear, I don't sit in it, I feel it give it to God and move onto the next chapter----OK maybe it takes a day or two but I do move on eventually :)
So please pray for me as I go in tomorrow to have my mask made and to hear what my radiation plan is. Again my life will change so drastically but really aren't all our lives changing all the time? Mine is just going to do it a bit faster than the majority.
I love reading your comments, I find them very encouraging so please leave them.
Thanks you guys for all your support and for staying in touch with my blog.
God bless you all
Thursday, 16 June 2011
I left my fear by the side of the road, I hear You speak ... won't let go
I have started a prayer group! God told me that now was the time and I did it. I'm so happy and its amazing how many people it is bringing together. Just thinking about it I get a lump in my throat. I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God and how over the past 5 weeks it has truly been tested. I have been in hospital on two occasions now with seizures from my brain cancer, even in the depths of my weakness as I was throwing up, I asked my Dad , "where's God" and he says, "right at the end of your bed". Such comforting words, and I totally new it. He NEVER leaves even when we don't feel Him, He is always right there and that is such a comforting thought.
So my title today is because I gave this song to my dear friend when she was first diagnosed with cancer & I felt it quite fitting considering what I am blogging about today. All I need is You. No matter what happens in my life, all I need is God to guide me and help me make good choices.
I have learned something else...Faith means feeling the fear and moving ahead into God's will anyway. This gives me great comfort because I wrestled with that for soooooo long. If I felt fear did that mean that I wasn't trusting God or walking in faith. Boy did I ever have that wrong.
I feel so empowered to deal with this 'cancer chapter' of my life now and I totally know where that empowerment is coming from. It is something so easily forgotten by not just me and not just by Christians that have been walking with God a long time, but by all of us. God has empowered us in His name and with this on our side, seriously people, how can we go wrong. I try to remain humble and remember my time in Mexico and at the same time feel led by God to start this prayer group as well as remain grounded in Him and empowered by Him all at the same time.
Pretty sure when I read the job description of a Christian it didn't say juggling a must:)
Thank you all for your ongoing support in all aspects of my life.
Today is a good day, cancer and all.
Me
So my title today is because I gave this song to my dear friend when she was first diagnosed with cancer & I felt it quite fitting considering what I am blogging about today. All I need is You. No matter what happens in my life, all I need is God to guide me and help me make good choices.
I have learned something else...Faith means feeling the fear and moving ahead into God's will anyway. This gives me great comfort because I wrestled with that for soooooo long. If I felt fear did that mean that I wasn't trusting God or walking in faith. Boy did I ever have that wrong.
I feel so empowered to deal with this 'cancer chapter' of my life now and I totally know where that empowerment is coming from. It is something so easily forgotten by not just me and not just by Christians that have been walking with God a long time, but by all of us. God has empowered us in His name and with this on our side, seriously people, how can we go wrong. I try to remain humble and remember my time in Mexico and at the same time feel led by God to start this prayer group as well as remain grounded in Him and empowered by Him all at the same time.
Pretty sure when I read the job description of a Christian it didn't say juggling a must:)
Thank you all for your ongoing support in all aspects of my life.
Today is a good day, cancer and all.
Me
Thursday, 2 June 2011
And it all becomes clear
That's a bold statement to start my day!!!
So last week I was in hospital from Sunday - Thursday. Inconvenient seizures! I feel rather distant from it now and a lot more rooted in my faith now too. I have had so many people praying for me over the last week its kind of hard to not feel closer to God. Through out it all I just kept being reminded, mainly by my daughter, that everything goes thru Gods hands first. Bless her. What a kid she is:):)
So I went to a missions committee meeting last night at my church to share about my trip to Mexico and was approached after the meeting and asked to consider and pray about coming out on a Wednesday afternoon to be with the 'coffee time' group, mainly homeless people, poorest of the poor, similar to who I loved on in Mexico. I am certainly going to pray about this. I have no doubt that there is a HUGE need in that community and God loves all people NOT just those that live in houses and have jobs and spend money on Him.
Needless to say I am praying into it and if that's what He wants then so be it.
I will totally do it, taking me out of my comfort zone, He's good at doing that to me....probably all of us, I hardly think I'm a minority on that.
So my Dad (Toronto Dad) is coming to visit Alex and I in a matter of days now and we are so very excited for numerous reasons. God is at work in my family, on so many levels and He is doing some really wild things and it`s so cool. Sometimes I am able to sit on the outside and watch it unfold which I think is truly a gift in itself.
I have started a group on facebook called, "Can I Pray for You?" When I came back from Mexico that was one thing I told myself. I would take prayer to a whole new level and actually it was prompted by my friend Judy asking me to pray for her. It hit me like a train that now was the time.
In December I was praying and writing my prayer and I really felt God tell me that I would reach thousands for Him and I would know how and going to Mexico to fire up my prayer life I believe was just the beginning because up until that point I wouldn't pray out loud, even when I was alone and now.....bring it on!
So, if you are on facebook then send in your prayers, encouragements, requests, anything you need, God can use us to do it all.
With that said, God bless your day and be in the centre of it.
Love,
Melanie
So last week I was in hospital from Sunday - Thursday. Inconvenient seizures! I feel rather distant from it now and a lot more rooted in my faith now too. I have had so many people praying for me over the last week its kind of hard to not feel closer to God. Through out it all I just kept being reminded, mainly by my daughter, that everything goes thru Gods hands first. Bless her. What a kid she is:):)
So I went to a missions committee meeting last night at my church to share about my trip to Mexico and was approached after the meeting and asked to consider and pray about coming out on a Wednesday afternoon to be with the 'coffee time' group, mainly homeless people, poorest of the poor, similar to who I loved on in Mexico. I am certainly going to pray about this. I have no doubt that there is a HUGE need in that community and God loves all people NOT just those that live in houses and have jobs and spend money on Him.
Needless to say I am praying into it and if that's what He wants then so be it.
I will totally do it, taking me out of my comfort zone, He's good at doing that to me....probably all of us, I hardly think I'm a minority on that.
So my Dad (Toronto Dad) is coming to visit Alex and I in a matter of days now and we are so very excited for numerous reasons. God is at work in my family, on so many levels and He is doing some really wild things and it`s so cool. Sometimes I am able to sit on the outside and watch it unfold which I think is truly a gift in itself.
I have started a group on facebook called, "Can I Pray for You?" When I came back from Mexico that was one thing I told myself. I would take prayer to a whole new level and actually it was prompted by my friend Judy asking me to pray for her. It hit me like a train that now was the time.
In December I was praying and writing my prayer and I really felt God tell me that I would reach thousands for Him and I would know how and going to Mexico to fire up my prayer life I believe was just the beginning because up until that point I wouldn't pray out loud, even when I was alone and now.....bring it on!
So, if you are on facebook then send in your prayers, encouragements, requests, anything you need, God can use us to do it all.
With that said, God bless your day and be in the centre of it.
Love,
Melanie
Thursday, 19 May 2011
And in My name you will boldly go...Search the earth & see that I am God!
The past few months I have been contemplating something huge in my life. Not as big as God but really big. March 2010 my ex and I separated. A very good move for us both however, we saw each other 3-5 times a week for the past year. We were also in business together so in July I sold my half of our business because it was too hard/weird being in business with each other but not being together. It was a very amicable split and that was when I returned to church so all in all it was for good. He went back to Iran 2 months ago to see his family and to put some definite distance between us, as we clearly are not able to do it on our own.
I have been praying about this for a while as I know that I cannot move forward if I am still living in the past relationship with him. I totally am having to lean on God with this because it is by far an easier road if I just 'hang around' him and pretend that we are not together and 'only friends'. The reality of it is that I am still as emotionally connected to him today as I was 1 year ago.
On Tuesday I had coffee with my Pastor and he starts asking me questions about a silver charm I have hanging around my neck. I wear it all the time, my ex had brought it back from Iran for me. I openly said that, to let this go would be the beginning of letting my ex go and I don't see that I can do that yet...even knowing that this is in fact hurting me not helping me. I need to be free and need God to help me walk away from this really unhealthy relationship. I am tired of always needing to be needed and always worrying that I may upset someone. I don't want to be cold, I'm just saying that I want a relationship with a God and a healthy one with myself before I can or want to even think about anyone else. So then my pastor and I started talking about my past relationships with men, man oh man did he ever strike something in me. God was clearly using that time to 'call me out!'
I have never just been by myself (with my girl of course), I mean not in any relationship. I realize now that I must just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) something that I have struggled with for months but still try.
Tuesday night I met up with my friends that I went to Mexico with and I gave my 'charm' to one of them, Judy. Last night, I went to train at my ex's school and told his business partner that I would not be staying there once 'he' gets back from Iran. I need to 'quit'. It's like when I quit smoking, a complete lifestyle change is necessary. I can't move forward with God if I keep holding on to the past, I don't believe it works like that.
I'm getting my life together and then God and I are gonna 'rock' out!
Last night I got a drive home from a friend that is in my parents group and she is not a Christian and when we got to my house we had been talking about when I prayed in Mexico and how great it was. We hugged goodbye and then I asked her if I could pray for her....I was really nervous but she said yes please. So I grabbed her hand and prayed for her. When I was done she hugged me, thanked me and said that she couldn't do the same for me, I said that's OK, and then she told me that I was the first person to ever do that for her.
God is good and I know he will rock with me no matter how 'together' I think I have my life but I feel this is what I need to do.
So I will continue to pray that when my ex gets back in 1 month that I will be able to stand firm in my decision.
So can you pray for me?
I have been praying about this for a while as I know that I cannot move forward if I am still living in the past relationship with him. I totally am having to lean on God with this because it is by far an easier road if I just 'hang around' him and pretend that we are not together and 'only friends'. The reality of it is that I am still as emotionally connected to him today as I was 1 year ago.
On Tuesday I had coffee with my Pastor and he starts asking me questions about a silver charm I have hanging around my neck. I wear it all the time, my ex had brought it back from Iran for me. I openly said that, to let this go would be the beginning of letting my ex go and I don't see that I can do that yet...even knowing that this is in fact hurting me not helping me. I need to be free and need God to help me walk away from this really unhealthy relationship. I am tired of always needing to be needed and always worrying that I may upset someone. I don't want to be cold, I'm just saying that I want a relationship with a God and a healthy one with myself before I can or want to even think about anyone else. So then my pastor and I started talking about my past relationships with men, man oh man did he ever strike something in me. God was clearly using that time to 'call me out!'
I have never just been by myself (with my girl of course), I mean not in any relationship. I realize now that I must just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) something that I have struggled with for months but still try.
Tuesday night I met up with my friends that I went to Mexico with and I gave my 'charm' to one of them, Judy. Last night, I went to train at my ex's school and told his business partner that I would not be staying there once 'he' gets back from Iran. I need to 'quit'. It's like when I quit smoking, a complete lifestyle change is necessary. I can't move forward with God if I keep holding on to the past, I don't believe it works like that.
I'm getting my life together and then God and I are gonna 'rock' out!
Last night I got a drive home from a friend that is in my parents group and she is not a Christian and when we got to my house we had been talking about when I prayed in Mexico and how great it was. We hugged goodbye and then I asked her if I could pray for her....I was really nervous but she said yes please. So I grabbed her hand and prayed for her. When I was done she hugged me, thanked me and said that she couldn't do the same for me, I said that's OK, and then she told me that I was the first person to ever do that for her.
God is good and I know he will rock with me no matter how 'together' I think I have my life but I feel this is what I need to do.
So I will continue to pray that when my ex gets back in 1 month that I will be able to stand firm in my decision.
So can you pray for me?
Monday, 16 May 2011
And all God's children said...AMEN
WOW, where do i even start to tell all of you the changes that have happened during and after my missions trip to Mexico?!
I think I will give you the main triggering points for me where I was aware of things happening with God.
We prayed every morning before we went out to wherever we were going. On Monday morning my head was lowered, eyes closed, I heard this man start praying in Spanish and I mean PRAYING! I assure you the Spirit roared in thunder when this man prayed. I cannot describe it any other way. I didn't even want to open my eyes to see who it was, I just felt the power and it was incredible. As it turns out, it was someone that works I guess in the church as there were church maintenance employees through out the week. I asked my friend Julie to look for him again because I wanted him to pray for us again. We never saw him again. She told me that his prayer was so powerful and that he prayed for a legion of angels to go before us in our days there. I have never had anyone pray like that before. So amazing, I was touched by the tip of God's finger with that prayer and that began the breaking down of my insecurities in my praying in public. I had asked God to do many things in me and thru me when I was in Mexico and one thing I had specifically asked for is that He would break down my insecurities of public worship (which for me, is praying out loud)
We had a few things on our agenda to accomplish while we were there. The first day we visited a women's shelter and I was asked to give my testimony as I have grown up in abusive relationships and I at one point lived in a shelter with my daughter for a period of time. I totally wasn't sure how or if I could do this. I prayed about it and spoke to the women I was with on the trip and shared my hesitations and fears and decided that I would see how I felt on the day and then decide if I was going to share. Well the day came and one of the other women shared her story and I thought, yup I have to share mine. I understand these woman and know how it feels to be in a shelter feeling that you've been stripped from every bit of dignity and self worth and they need to hear thatand hear that in that God is faithful and is there. I shared and touched hearts and I thank God for giving me the nudge for doing that. I prayed over one lady who also has cancer and then she in turn prayed over me. FYI I prayed in English the entire time I was there and 99% didn't understand me and 99% didn't care.
Each night we would break off into little groups of 3 and pray for one another. Again God gave me the opportunity to pray out loud and release my insecurities even more.
Then IT happened. Mel's breakdown, not breakthru occurred! We were at the orphanage for kids(day 2) with some form of disability and I started to feel very heavy hearted and disconnected with God. I wasn't spending any one on one time with Him and I was really feeling it. I went to Shane and explained my dilemma and I started to cry a bit and he told me to go and take an hour or whatever I needed to pray and get in touch with God. As I was praying, I asked God to just remind me again that He was there with me, then a ton of dandelion seeds blew thru the trees towards me and I knew it was God. I continued praying and boldly asked that someone come out that could pray for me, Judy who was on her 17 missions trip came out to the van and I called her over and she hugged me and prayed for me. I then felt lined up again and went about my day feeling the hand of God on my back the entire time.
The week was going so fast, one shelter, 2 orphanages, I met some wonderfully loved kids that had such a heart for God it was so refreshing to see such pure love, non rebellious love, just a limitless love for God and Jesus. We went to Los Rochas to give out tickets to the people in their homes to return the following night for a food distribution. Oh my...I was not ready for that. My emotions were running so high here. That night I asked Shane if he could be my pastor and talk with me because again i was feeling stressed and weakened (under attack would be the correct term I guess) I told Shane that I didn't feel God was doing what He said He would do and it was already Wednesday....what was taking Him so long? (LOL) I hadn't seen any changes like I had prayed for and we were running out of time. Shane quickly pointed out that the very fact that I am sitting here crying having this conversation could be the internal change that I had asked for couldn't it?! That's why he's the Pastor!! So off to bed I went to rest and get ready for the following day. We did the food distribution that day. Worked during the day painting and light maintenance work at a soon to be opened orphanage and then off to Los Rochas at 5:00PM to distribute food hampers. Shane asked for some of us to be on the prayer team, so we would be standing out with the locals praying for them as they did or didn't get the food hampers. I volunteered as I figured, I need to meet God in this place, I cannot sit and expect Him to do everything, some of it must come from me too!
As I was looking at how to get from the food side of the table over to where all the people were this little girl holding onto the chain link fence caught my eye. She looked like the poster child for World Vision Canada, holding onto that fence with her long brown hair, big brown eyes, dust smeared down her cheeks, awww man it was so hard to see. I wanted to pray for her but as I got out she had disappeared, off to play I'm sure.
So, as people were getting their food they would ask for prayer. Dave Wilson (coordinator) called at me to pray for this elderly lady, she looked about 92 but was probably nothing close to that. She was a widow. I went up to pray for her and as I held her right hand i was aware that it was like holding silk and the wrinkles in her skin were perfect. I pulled her hand upto my face and I held it gently and I prayed over this woman, I gave her a piece of my Spirit that day. Everyone I prayed for that day took a piece of my Spirit with them. Towards the end, I saw a woman pushing her baby in her stroller up this steep part in order to get to the food line. I motioned to Shane that I was going to help her so not to call me to pray. I helped her push her stroller as she was so hot and sweating. One of the Mexican guys came over who was helping with this distribution and after all that it turned out that she didn't have a ticket and therefore she wouldn't get any food. She just looked at me with this blank stare and I felt horrible, my heart wretched for this woman. I have so been there before---no food---with child!!!! I humbly asked her if I could pray for her, she said yes and lowered her head. I lay hands on her and prayed and gave her a piece of me, the piece that God gave me that day to give away.
What I have taken away is that prayer is SO important and to pray for people is truly an honor and blessing. I wish I had the strength to go up to someone I don't know and say, "Can I pray for you?" like I did in Mexico but I don't, at least not face to face. Instead I do it on Facebook. It's a start!
I pray out loud now and truly believe God has broke down barriers for me in my praying life. I am so thankful that I was able to open up and share my heart, Gods heart, with so many people and I WILL go again! When? Where?
Thank you God for giving me this opportunity that so many others don't have, for whatever reason.
Oh and of course... I returned on Sunday May 8 and on Tuesday May 10 I was told that I didn't need to continue on with my chemo anymore. Funny how that seems so minor in comparison.
Can I pray for you?
I think I will give you the main triggering points for me where I was aware of things happening with God.
We prayed every morning before we went out to wherever we were going. On Monday morning my head was lowered, eyes closed, I heard this man start praying in Spanish and I mean PRAYING! I assure you the Spirit roared in thunder when this man prayed. I cannot describe it any other way. I didn't even want to open my eyes to see who it was, I just felt the power and it was incredible. As it turns out, it was someone that works I guess in the church as there were church maintenance employees through out the week. I asked my friend Julie to look for him again because I wanted him to pray for us again. We never saw him again. She told me that his prayer was so powerful and that he prayed for a legion of angels to go before us in our days there. I have never had anyone pray like that before. So amazing, I was touched by the tip of God's finger with that prayer and that began the breaking down of my insecurities in my praying in public. I had asked God to do many things in me and thru me when I was in Mexico and one thing I had specifically asked for is that He would break down my insecurities of public worship (which for me, is praying out loud)
We had a few things on our agenda to accomplish while we were there. The first day we visited a women's shelter and I was asked to give my testimony as I have grown up in abusive relationships and I at one point lived in a shelter with my daughter for a period of time. I totally wasn't sure how or if I could do this. I prayed about it and spoke to the women I was with on the trip and shared my hesitations and fears and decided that I would see how I felt on the day and then decide if I was going to share. Well the day came and one of the other women shared her story and I thought, yup I have to share mine. I understand these woman and know how it feels to be in a shelter feeling that you've been stripped from every bit of dignity and self worth and they need to hear thatand hear that in that God is faithful and is there. I shared and touched hearts and I thank God for giving me the nudge for doing that. I prayed over one lady who also has cancer and then she in turn prayed over me. FYI I prayed in English the entire time I was there and 99% didn't understand me and 99% didn't care.
Each night we would break off into little groups of 3 and pray for one another. Again God gave me the opportunity to pray out loud and release my insecurities even more.
Then IT happened. Mel's breakdown, not breakthru occurred! We were at the orphanage for kids(day 2) with some form of disability and I started to feel very heavy hearted and disconnected with God. I wasn't spending any one on one time with Him and I was really feeling it. I went to Shane and explained my dilemma and I started to cry a bit and he told me to go and take an hour or whatever I needed to pray and get in touch with God. As I was praying, I asked God to just remind me again that He was there with me, then a ton of dandelion seeds blew thru the trees towards me and I knew it was God. I continued praying and boldly asked that someone come out that could pray for me, Judy who was on her 17 missions trip came out to the van and I called her over and she hugged me and prayed for me. I then felt lined up again and went about my day feeling the hand of God on my back the entire time.
The week was going so fast, one shelter, 2 orphanages, I met some wonderfully loved kids that had such a heart for God it was so refreshing to see such pure love, non rebellious love, just a limitless love for God and Jesus. We went to Los Rochas to give out tickets to the people in their homes to return the following night for a food distribution. Oh my...I was not ready for that. My emotions were running so high here. That night I asked Shane if he could be my pastor and talk with me because again i was feeling stressed and weakened (under attack would be the correct term I guess) I told Shane that I didn't feel God was doing what He said He would do and it was already Wednesday....what was taking Him so long? (LOL) I hadn't seen any changes like I had prayed for and we were running out of time. Shane quickly pointed out that the very fact that I am sitting here crying having this conversation could be the internal change that I had asked for couldn't it?! That's why he's the Pastor!! So off to bed I went to rest and get ready for the following day. We did the food distribution that day. Worked during the day painting and light maintenance work at a soon to be opened orphanage and then off to Los Rochas at 5:00PM to distribute food hampers. Shane asked for some of us to be on the prayer team, so we would be standing out with the locals praying for them as they did or didn't get the food hampers. I volunteered as I figured, I need to meet God in this place, I cannot sit and expect Him to do everything, some of it must come from me too!
As I was looking at how to get from the food side of the table over to where all the people were this little girl holding onto the chain link fence caught my eye. She looked like the poster child for World Vision Canada, holding onto that fence with her long brown hair, big brown eyes, dust smeared down her cheeks, awww man it was so hard to see. I wanted to pray for her but as I got out she had disappeared, off to play I'm sure.
So, as people were getting their food they would ask for prayer. Dave Wilson (coordinator) called at me to pray for this elderly lady, she looked about 92 but was probably nothing close to that. She was a widow. I went up to pray for her and as I held her right hand i was aware that it was like holding silk and the wrinkles in her skin were perfect. I pulled her hand upto my face and I held it gently and I prayed over this woman, I gave her a piece of my Spirit that day. Everyone I prayed for that day took a piece of my Spirit with them. Towards the end, I saw a woman pushing her baby in her stroller up this steep part in order to get to the food line. I motioned to Shane that I was going to help her so not to call me to pray. I helped her push her stroller as she was so hot and sweating. One of the Mexican guys came over who was helping with this distribution and after all that it turned out that she didn't have a ticket and therefore she wouldn't get any food. She just looked at me with this blank stare and I felt horrible, my heart wretched for this woman. I have so been there before---no food---with child!!!! I humbly asked her if I could pray for her, she said yes and lowered her head. I lay hands on her and prayed and gave her a piece of me, the piece that God gave me that day to give away.
What I have taken away is that prayer is SO important and to pray for people is truly an honor and blessing. I wish I had the strength to go up to someone I don't know and say, "Can I pray for you?" like I did in Mexico but I don't, at least not face to face. Instead I do it on Facebook. It's a start!
I pray out loud now and truly believe God has broke down barriers for me in my praying life. I am so thankful that I was able to open up and share my heart, Gods heart, with so many people and I WILL go again! When? Where?
Thank you God for giving me this opportunity that so many others don't have, for whatever reason.
Oh and of course... I returned on Sunday May 8 and on Tuesday May 10 I was told that I didn't need to continue on with my chemo anymore. Funny how that seems so minor in comparison.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Togetherness (the word on the top of my page today)
I just got back from my missions trip on Sunday.
I will post something on Thursday when I am feeling a little bit emotionally stronger.
During my staff meeting today God gave me John 8:18.....
"I am one who testifies for myself; my other witness is the Father, who sent me." Jesus speaking to the Pharisees.
God bless you all.
I will post something on Thursday when I am feeling a little bit emotionally stronger.
During my staff meeting today God gave me John 8:18.....
"I am one who testifies for myself; my other witness is the Father, who sent me." Jesus speaking to the Pharisees.
God bless you all.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
"See child I am here and all you need!"
Another page today but not so blank, its a short week this week so I had to carry some things over from yesterday! and before I left I wrote the above on the top of my paper for today. I didn't get all my work done------not acceptable-----I should be able to do all my work, get ready for Mexico, handle my cancer, raise a teenager, train, run the world AND be superwoman at the same time. Yeh right!
The amount of times I am reminded to just stop and be still and know that He is God are so many I cannot count.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I've been feeling pretty good this week (it's only Wednesday) but still, pretty good until yesterday afternoon.
Last week I battled with my vertigo, brightness from the sun seems to trigger it which was rather alarming to me as I am days away from going to Mexico for my missions trip. I figured that God will take care of that, however as previously stated in my earlier blog, I started questioning the trip all together.
Anyways, the vertigo has settled down and I was able to get some strong fitted sunglasses, so in total I am now taking 5 pairs down with me.
I went to drop off my taxes yesterday to my friend who is an accountant and she is doing my taxes for me this year. I NEVER leave things until last minute but I totally did on this one. Probably doesn't help that money is a huge stress/anxiety trigger for me, so I do what many other people do--avoid--and more often than not it leaves me in a pile of tears. I showed up at her work with my file in hand...a little cautious but feeling altogether confident that I had everything----except last years tax return???!!!!!!!
Well, I start crying and am so upset with my self, I'm angry because I gave so much of myself to Elite (company I sold out of last year) and because I don't really have anything to show what I put into Elite, except my blood, sweat and tears, I will likely be paying taxes. Why should I have to pay taxes when I gave blood to that company. All the negative thoughts start creeping into my mind----just what the evil one wants right before I go to do something great with God. So along with all the negative thoughts comes self doubt which comes from my brain cancer. I have allowed my cancer to be my crutch when I fall short of what I feel is a reachable expectation. I have been playing the blame game with my cancer! I'll admit it!
And in Gods perfect timing, my pastor (not really MINE) Pastor Shane came into her office and said, "Mel can I see you for about 10 minutes?", I'm not completely self destructive yet so I agreed and wandered down the hallway to his office. I sat down and he turns to me and he says,
"I've been needing to tell you this for a couple weeks now but I just haven't found the right time so I'm going to tell you now. You are meant to go to Mexico, God wants you in Mexico and on this trip Melanie. He is going to do great things in and thru you on this trip and I really felt the need to tell you that. As well as, please do not have such high expectations and don't think you need to live up to any of the teams expectations. I just need you to keep me in the loop as to how you are feeling. If you feel a little tired one day or overwhelmed, just tell me. This trip is not about you or me, so we will just go with it and do what we can. I would be upset if you pushed yourself too hard when really you shouldn't have been not the other way around." I cried because he was totally hitting on a nerve big time!
On Good Friday; I went to church and went up for prayer after and my other pastor, Pastor Dave was praying for me and he started praying about expectations and that I'm not to worry about what other peoples expectations of me are and he prayed that I would not feel the need to do everything or push beyond my limits and that I just relax and not feel the need to---basically control everything .
So the past few days and even weeks this has been an ongoing thing with me. Shane, my pastor that is going on the trip with me had asked me to pray to God and thank Him for whatever it is that I want Him to do in and thru me this coming week in Mexico. He also read to me Mark 11: 22-26, ..."Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"...
So I headed home after this little meeting with Shane, God`s perfect timing of course. Nicely played God! I like to say this to Him sometimes when it`s so clearly His doing.
I left the Church listening to my Hillsong United music from their Aftermath CD (click on todays blog title)....
I was still a little bit in panic mode as I still had to find my last years tax return??????
Nothing at home, so I prayed and verbally gave it over to God saying that this is for Him cause I can't deal with it and I have NO control over this and with that I got on a bus heading to Elite as I thought it MUST be on the computer there......nope! panic again creeps in and the entire time I'm saying" ok God, what do I do now?"
I decided to email my last years accountant and pray that they would send me a copy of my last years tax return by today (Wednesday) as I have to give everything to Brenda tonight. It was a bit cheeky I know because I wanted them to do something for me at no cost to them and I'm not using them this year for my taxes. Off the email goes and with a lot of prayer let me tell you!
Well, God is awesome....5 minutes later I get an email back from one of the junior accountants and an attachment of my 2009 tax return. Oh man I was all up in the praising and thanking God. I said to the owner of Elite..."See when you don't think it will work out it ALWAYS does, it just does"!
So I get on the bus to go home, get home, grabbed my Bible and my journal and started writing.
I thanked God for nudging me and for strategically placing people in my path that would encourage me today and remind me to look to Him for guidance and support not other people or myself. I thanked Him for rocking my world while I was down in Mexico. I thanked Him for the changes that would take place with Alex and I when I returned.
I totally thanked Him for the awesome change in me He is going to make when I'm away, I thanked Him for how He would use me to show Himself to others and to minister to people whoever, wherever they are.
I asked God to forgive me for not leaning on Him in those hard moments but then thanked Him for the opportunity to learn and practise leaning on Him.
And then as I'm typing this to you, the God line that found it's way on the top of my page yesterday as I was headed out my office catches my eye. Some of you may think, oh coincidence. But I say "Oh no....that's totally God!"
So can I just say this, listen for the whispers because THAT is where you find God's voice. It's in the whispers and the small things.
It reminds me of some movie (??) I saw years ago...Oh it was Indiana Jones . He had to guess which goblet Jesus drank from and while the others chose the shiny and bling bling ones and died. He chose the dirtiest and the most 'common' looking one and said that Jesus wouldn't drink from anything that others wouldn't drink out of. That has always stuck with me and I think of that often when I think of God speaking and seeing His little miracles. They are essential to our faith. Not the biggies, its the wee ones that push our faith.
By faith and not by sight.
This will likely be it until i get back from Mexico so please pray for my eyes that they see when they need to and that I am able to remain open for ALL God has to offer.
Bless you all for reading my blog and I pray it touches you and many others thru you.
The amount of times I am reminded to just stop and be still and know that He is God are so many I cannot count.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I've been feeling pretty good this week (it's only Wednesday) but still, pretty good until yesterday afternoon.
Last week I battled with my vertigo, brightness from the sun seems to trigger it which was rather alarming to me as I am days away from going to Mexico for my missions trip. I figured that God will take care of that, however as previously stated in my earlier blog, I started questioning the trip all together.
Anyways, the vertigo has settled down and I was able to get some strong fitted sunglasses, so in total I am now taking 5 pairs down with me.
I went to drop off my taxes yesterday to my friend who is an accountant and she is doing my taxes for me this year. I NEVER leave things until last minute but I totally did on this one. Probably doesn't help that money is a huge stress/anxiety trigger for me, so I do what many other people do--avoid--and more often than not it leaves me in a pile of tears. I showed up at her work with my file in hand...a little cautious but feeling altogether confident that I had everything----except last years tax return???!!!!!!!
Well, I start crying and am so upset with my self, I'm angry because I gave so much of myself to Elite (company I sold out of last year) and because I don't really have anything to show what I put into Elite, except my blood, sweat and tears, I will likely be paying taxes. Why should I have to pay taxes when I gave blood to that company. All the negative thoughts start creeping into my mind----just what the evil one wants right before I go to do something great with God. So along with all the negative thoughts comes self doubt which comes from my brain cancer. I have allowed my cancer to be my crutch when I fall short of what I feel is a reachable expectation. I have been playing the blame game with my cancer! I'll admit it!
And in Gods perfect timing, my pastor (not really MINE) Pastor Shane came into her office and said, "Mel can I see you for about 10 minutes?", I'm not completely self destructive yet so I agreed and wandered down the hallway to his office. I sat down and he turns to me and he says,
"I've been needing to tell you this for a couple weeks now but I just haven't found the right time so I'm going to tell you now. You are meant to go to Mexico, God wants you in Mexico and on this trip Melanie. He is going to do great things in and thru you on this trip and I really felt the need to tell you that. As well as, please do not have such high expectations and don't think you need to live up to any of the teams expectations. I just need you to keep me in the loop as to how you are feeling. If you feel a little tired one day or overwhelmed, just tell me. This trip is not about you or me, so we will just go with it and do what we can. I would be upset if you pushed yourself too hard when really you shouldn't have been not the other way around." I cried because he was totally hitting on a nerve big time!
On Good Friday; I went to church and went up for prayer after and my other pastor, Pastor Dave was praying for me and he started praying about expectations and that I'm not to worry about what other peoples expectations of me are and he prayed that I would not feel the need to do everything or push beyond my limits and that I just relax and not feel the need to---basically control everything .
So the past few days and even weeks this has been an ongoing thing with me. Shane, my pastor that is going on the trip with me had asked me to pray to God and thank Him for whatever it is that I want Him to do in and thru me this coming week in Mexico. He also read to me Mark 11: 22-26, ..."Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"...
So I headed home after this little meeting with Shane, God`s perfect timing of course. Nicely played God! I like to say this to Him sometimes when it`s so clearly His doing.
I left the Church listening to my Hillsong United music from their Aftermath CD (click on todays blog title)....
I was still a little bit in panic mode as I still had to find my last years tax return??????
Nothing at home, so I prayed and verbally gave it over to God saying that this is for Him cause I can't deal with it and I have NO control over this and with that I got on a bus heading to Elite as I thought it MUST be on the computer there......nope! panic again creeps in and the entire time I'm saying" ok God, what do I do now?"
I decided to email my last years accountant and pray that they would send me a copy of my last years tax return by today (Wednesday) as I have to give everything to Brenda tonight. It was a bit cheeky I know because I wanted them to do something for me at no cost to them and I'm not using them this year for my taxes. Off the email goes and with a lot of prayer let me tell you!
Well, God is awesome....5 minutes later I get an email back from one of the junior accountants and an attachment of my 2009 tax return. Oh man I was all up in the praising and thanking God. I said to the owner of Elite..."See when you don't think it will work out it ALWAYS does, it just does"!
So I get on the bus to go home, get home, grabbed my Bible and my journal and started writing.
I thanked God for nudging me and for strategically placing people in my path that would encourage me today and remind me to look to Him for guidance and support not other people or myself. I thanked Him for rocking my world while I was down in Mexico. I thanked Him for the changes that would take place with Alex and I when I returned.
I totally thanked Him for the awesome change in me He is going to make when I'm away, I thanked Him for how He would use me to show Himself to others and to minister to people whoever, wherever they are.
I asked God to forgive me for not leaning on Him in those hard moments but then thanked Him for the opportunity to learn and practise leaning on Him.
And then as I'm typing this to you, the God line that found it's way on the top of my page yesterday as I was headed out my office catches my eye. Some of you may think, oh coincidence. But I say "Oh no....that's totally God!"
So can I just say this, listen for the whispers because THAT is where you find God's voice. It's in the whispers and the small things.
It reminds me of some movie (??) I saw years ago...Oh it was Indiana Jones . He had to guess which goblet Jesus drank from and while the others chose the shiny and bling bling ones and died. He chose the dirtiest and the most 'common' looking one and said that Jesus wouldn't drink from anything that others wouldn't drink out of. That has always stuck with me and I think of that often when I think of God speaking and seeing His little miracles. They are essential to our faith. Not the biggies, its the wee ones that push our faith.
By faith and not by sight.
This will likely be it until i get back from Mexico so please pray for my eyes that they see when they need to and that I am able to remain open for ALL God has to offer.
Bless you all for reading my blog and I pray it touches you and many others thru you.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
"Happy Anniversary Child, today you were set free"
The words that were placed at the top of my clean white paper as I start work today.
Let me start by saying that today is a day of celebration!!!!Today 2007, I was released from hospital after having my brain surgery to de-bulk my cancer. Today is an emotional day for me. In 2007, it was Easter weekend when they found my tumour and now 4 yrs later I embrace it all, thru the grace of God. Last night I was feeling a bit down because I have been having bouts of vertigo (which are actually a different type of seizure), anyways it had me questioning my entire missions trip and I spoke with my deacon and I asked, "if you do something because that's what you think God is telling you to do; if you're wrong will he still honour that because you're doing it in His name?" Well I was very happy with the answer for 2 reasons, 1. she reaffirmed that I should be going to Mexico and 2. she said that God wouldn't leave you just because he thought you made a decision without Him. When I got home I opened my Bible app on my IPhone and it opened to Mark 12:22-25, it's Jesus telling us to have faith in God. Just what I needed to hear. I lean on God on many levels but I still sometimes need to be reminded that I am not alone and that He is with me regardless of my circumstance and that is like a security blanket for me.
I think we all forget, actually , I'll say we all forget sometimes that He is right beside us!
This morning as I sat listening to my favourite EVER song 'Beautiful Beautiful' by Francesca Batistelli, I had an image of sitting at the feet of Jesus with my hands at His feet singing this song.
Today is a day of celebration because He has made me beautiful---cancer and all.
What difficulties in your life are you going thru that you can thank God for?
Let me start by saying that today is a day of celebration!!!!Today 2007, I was released from hospital after having my brain surgery to de-bulk my cancer. Today is an emotional day for me. In 2007, it was Easter weekend when they found my tumour and now 4 yrs later I embrace it all, thru the grace of God. Last night I was feeling a bit down because I have been having bouts of vertigo (which are actually a different type of seizure), anyways it had me questioning my entire missions trip and I spoke with my deacon and I asked, "if you do something because that's what you think God is telling you to do; if you're wrong will he still honour that because you're doing it in His name?" Well I was very happy with the answer for 2 reasons, 1. she reaffirmed that I should be going to Mexico and 2. she said that God wouldn't leave you just because he thought you made a decision without Him. When I got home I opened my Bible app on my IPhone and it opened to Mark 12:22-25, it's Jesus telling us to have faith in God. Just what I needed to hear. I lean on God on many levels but I still sometimes need to be reminded that I am not alone and that He is with me regardless of my circumstance and that is like a security blanket for me.
I think we all forget, actually , I'll say we all forget sometimes that He is right beside us!
This morning as I sat listening to my favourite EVER song 'Beautiful Beautiful' by Francesca Batistelli, I had an image of sitting at the feet of Jesus with my hands at His feet singing this song.
Today is a day of celebration because He has made me beautiful---cancer and all.
What difficulties in your life are you going thru that you can thank God for?
Monday, 18 April 2011
Sshhhhhhh I'm here!
So this is how my day started today with God telling me at the top of my nice, new, clean piece of paper. I don't mind it at all. That's a great way to start your day I'd say.
OK, so something I want to get out there.....take what you like and leave the rest.
God's miracles are NOT always in the physical healing of people. I think we categorize them and assume that in order to receive a miracle of healing it would mean that "my cancer is ZAPPED out of my brain" (I don't actually think God works in ZAPS!!), nor do I think God only works on miracles of the flesh.
People pray that my cancer will be gone completely and I thank people for those prayers but I have received a miracle on many other levels. God has given me this cancer and allowed me to co-exist with it and continues to use it as a tool to speak with and on behalf of other people. I can empathize like I couldn't do before I can come alongside people like I couldn't before. I would certainly say that both of these things are miracles.
Let's not get hung up on the full physical healing being the only miracle. Accepting a disease and still being able to lean on God in the times when you feel the crappiest is a miracle--maybe not by a lot of peoples standards, but that's only because we have molded miracles into something that they don't need to be.
I am a miracle--my cancer is a miracle--how God chooses to use it to reach others in his name is a miracle.
My cancer is a strong weapon that I have been given and I will not sit on the side lines and let it consume me...I am with God and for God.
How about we look at those miracles in our lives.
Anyways, this was my positive rant for the day at least!
OK, so something I want to get out there.....take what you like and leave the rest.
God's miracles are NOT always in the physical healing of people. I think we categorize them and assume that in order to receive a miracle of healing it would mean that "my cancer is ZAPPED out of my brain" (I don't actually think God works in ZAPS!!), nor do I think God only works on miracles of the flesh.
People pray that my cancer will be gone completely and I thank people for those prayers but I have received a miracle on many other levels. God has given me this cancer and allowed me to co-exist with it and continues to use it as a tool to speak with and on behalf of other people. I can empathize like I couldn't do before I can come alongside people like I couldn't before. I would certainly say that both of these things are miracles.
Let's not get hung up on the full physical healing being the only miracle. Accepting a disease and still being able to lean on God in the times when you feel the crappiest is a miracle--maybe not by a lot of peoples standards, but that's only because we have molded miracles into something that they don't need to be.
I am a miracle--my cancer is a miracle--how God chooses to use it to reach others in his name is a miracle.
My cancer is a strong weapon that I have been given and I will not sit on the side lines and let it consume me...I am with God and for God.
How about we look at those miracles in our lives.
Anyways, this was my positive rant for the day at least!
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Forever I am because of Who I am
So, I've been running a little ragged lately, pushing myself probably harder than I should but figured------whatever I can handle it, I'm strong, it's not forever, just for now. I can hear my friend's words echoing in the back of my head,"my Dad used to say, I'll sleep when I'm dead."
This friend is Ali, a very loved and dear friend of mine. So last night I was praying to God and into today and just asking why am I still feeling sick from this flu that I've had since like last Tuesday/Wednesday and then I realize....BING (this is my God lightbulb)....of course, I'm on chemo and these things take longer to get out of my system as they do most. So last night I was talking to my mum and I was a bit sad that I was still sick and that my weight went down and I started to question my trip to Mexico and if maybe I misunderstood God and that maybe I really wasn't supposed to go to Mexico, she calmly says to me," Mel you don't have to always trust yourself, just trust God." And that kinda hit me because it's true. I don't know from day to day what's going to change or happen with my life but one thing I do know FOR SURE with NO doubt is that God knows and all I need to do is trust Him and step aside and let Him do His job.
Psalm 46:10 says 'Be still and know that I am God." I struggle with this. I try so hard to just stay still but it is so hard and I have been asking God to really help me to do this and to lean on Him more....I want to KNOW that I need Him, I want to lean on him for absolutely everything, stripped down to bare bones kind of needing Him, ya know what I mean?!
So yesterday afternoon a wee thought entered my mind, 'always stay humble because of who you are in Me'
This morning I was prayed for on the phone by a friend that I work with and as she was praying about me getting better all I kept hearing was, 'trust Me child, this too shall pass.' and as far as sitting still and knowing He is God----well I've had to clear my entire schedule until Sunday so I can rest up------yes I am sitting still but not by my choice but because God has said now it's time for you to sit!
I guess people; what I'm saying is, it's NEVER about what we want and God totally knows better than us and sometimes its the wee little words in your head or how your cat jumps up onto your lap and snuggles up to you, gently reminding you to just relax.
God knows what's best and I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning to submit to that. He always has my best interest at heart where as I 'people-please' so I push myself beyond what is healthy. We all do it. Go that little bit extra for someone, at what cost though?
Anyways, this has been nice. Talk again soon.
Today, take even just 1 minute to be still and know that He is God.
This friend is Ali, a very loved and dear friend of mine. So last night I was praying to God and into today and just asking why am I still feeling sick from this flu that I've had since like last Tuesday/Wednesday and then I realize....BING (this is my God lightbulb)....of course, I'm on chemo and these things take longer to get out of my system as they do most. So last night I was talking to my mum and I was a bit sad that I was still sick and that my weight went down and I started to question my trip to Mexico and if maybe I misunderstood God and that maybe I really wasn't supposed to go to Mexico, she calmly says to me," Mel you don't have to always trust yourself, just trust God." And that kinda hit me because it's true. I don't know from day to day what's going to change or happen with my life but one thing I do know FOR SURE with NO doubt is that God knows and all I need to do is trust Him and step aside and let Him do His job.
Psalm 46:10 says 'Be still and know that I am God." I struggle with this. I try so hard to just stay still but it is so hard and I have been asking God to really help me to do this and to lean on Him more....I want to KNOW that I need Him, I want to lean on him for absolutely everything, stripped down to bare bones kind of needing Him, ya know what I mean?!
So yesterday afternoon a wee thought entered my mind, 'always stay humble because of who you are in Me'
This morning I was prayed for on the phone by a friend that I work with and as she was praying about me getting better all I kept hearing was, 'trust Me child, this too shall pass.' and as far as sitting still and knowing He is God----well I've had to clear my entire schedule until Sunday so I can rest up------yes I am sitting still but not by my choice but because God has said now it's time for you to sit!
I guess people; what I'm saying is, it's NEVER about what we want and God totally knows better than us and sometimes its the wee little words in your head or how your cat jumps up onto your lap and snuggles up to you, gently reminding you to just relax.
God knows what's best and I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning to submit to that. He always has my best interest at heart where as I 'people-please' so I push myself beyond what is healthy. We all do it. Go that little bit extra for someone, at what cost though?
Anyways, this has been nice. Talk again soon.
Today, take even just 1 minute to be still and know that He is God.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
God's Speaks to us in many different ways
So each day before I leave my job (Hillside Church) I change the paper I've used to make notes on, to a fresh new white piece of paper. I write the date at the top and then I rest my mind and God will bring something either very encouraging or words of peace. So today from yesterday I had written...
"& whoever believes will know great peace".
I am excited to see how God uses this blog to reach thousands in the times ahead. The only purpose, that I'm aware of, for this blog is share my relationship with God with all of you hoping that you will pull strength from it, words of encouragement or at times just knowing that someone else gets it.
I welcome comments and encourage communication and dialogue. I am going to ask that you respect what God is trying to do here and keep your comments constructive. I welcome people to share their hard times, struggles and hopes with my self, one another. We are all in this together and God is helping me get thru each day as he is helping you get thru each day.
This being said,
God bless you all!
"& whoever believes will know great peace".
I am excited to see how God uses this blog to reach thousands in the times ahead. The only purpose, that I'm aware of, for this blog is share my relationship with God with all of you hoping that you will pull strength from it, words of encouragement or at times just knowing that someone else gets it.
I welcome comments and encourage communication and dialogue. I am going to ask that you respect what God is trying to do here and keep your comments constructive. I welcome people to share their hard times, struggles and hopes with my self, one another. We are all in this together and God is helping me get thru each day as he is helping you get thru each day.
This being said,
God bless you all!
Monday, 11 April 2011
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