I heard this song and thought He reigns over everything, even this crap!! Even as scared as I am right now looking into the next 5 weeks with radiation and wishing my daughter didn't have to go thru it. Wishing my family didn't have to go thru it. It would be SO much easier if it was just God and I.
I know He is reigning over this chapter because He reigns over my life and this is part of my life....a scary part....but He is there.
As I look ahead at what will inevitably be my life, suddenly the me in me that once said, "whatever I'll rock a bald head I don't care!" That statement now is so NOT going to happen. I don't even want to see my big ugly scar on my head, never mind everyone else. Tomorrow I have to go to get the mask for my head molded so that when I get zapped I don't move. Like as if I would!!!!move I mean!!!
My daughter asked me last night if I was going to change...and my heart broke, even as I type this I can feel my eyes well up. I told her not too worry that I will still be same mum that I've always been. You have no idea how hard that is to tell your child that you wont change after you start radiation, half telling yourself at the same time.
It is so hard seeing her go thru this. She's only 17 and although she's a very faith rooted young woman, I am still her mother and I still worry about her. Its easy to say "oh well, it is what it is" but saying and believing it is not the same thing. I say it but then when something changes in my tumour or my treatment---its scary, evening knowing God is right there and it'll be OK, I will default back to 'Faith means feeling the fear and falling into Gods will anyway'!
And again saying this and living it is not the same thing but this is one statement that I CAN live! This is very real to me. I can have fear, I don't sit in it, I feel it give it to God and move onto the next chapter----OK maybe it takes a day or two but I do move on eventually :)
So please pray for me as I go in tomorrow to have my mask made and to hear what my radiation plan is. Again my life will change so drastically but really aren't all our lives changing all the time? Mine is just going to do it a bit faster than the majority.
I love reading your comments, I find them very encouraging so please leave them.
Thanks you guys for all your support and for staying in touch with my blog.
God bless you all
Hi Mel: Some thoughts for you to ponder.
ReplyDeleteIf life were perfect. How could we grow?
If there were no adversities. How could we develop as individuals?
Leo Buscaglia once said "You cannot teach what you have not learned." You, I and so many others are learning from you and will be better people as a result....... and that includes Alex.
Of course we would like to protect our children from the unpleasant aspects of life. Indeed I would love to wave a magic wand and return everything in your world back to normal ..... but as special as you were 5/10 years ago, you are so much more special now as a result of your personal experiences and subsequent growth. Alex may well be "only 17" but she too has developed in a way that would not have happened if your circumstances were different, and she is already a truly wonderful person as a result.
I am so proud of both of you for not only how the two of you interact with each other, but you each have a far better perspective on what is important in life than most people I know. How often does one witness a teenaged daughter caressing her mother's arms in a moment of need? How often is happiness truly seen as an adequate lifestyle shared with family and friends, rather than a big screen TV, new car etc. Where would you both be now spiritually if this had not happened?
Will you change further? I sincerely hope so because it can only get better as your perspective on your world becomes clearer, and as you move closer to God. Of course there are going to be trials down the road, but you can always grow from them. There are no doubt many people in your future who will not have your drive and determination, and who will not have your experiences. They will be looking to you for guidance and support.
Back to Leo Buscaglia - "You cannot teach what you have not learned." This education may not be quite what you would have chosen but ........ learn anyway!
Love 'n' Hugs. Dad.