The past few months I have been contemplating something huge in my life. Not as big as God but really big. March 2010 my ex and I separated. A very good move for us both however, we saw each other 3-5 times a week for the past year. We were also in business together so in July I sold my half of our business because it was too hard/weird being in business with each other but not being together. It was a very amicable split and that was when I returned to church so all in all it was for good. He went back to Iran 2 months ago to see his family and to put some definite distance between us, as we clearly are not able to do it on our own.
I have been praying about this for a while as I know that I cannot move forward if I am still living in the past relationship with him. I totally am having to lean on God with this because it is by far an easier road if I just 'hang around' him and pretend that we are not together and 'only friends'. The reality of it is that I am still as emotionally connected to him today as I was 1 year ago.
On Tuesday I had coffee with my Pastor and he starts asking me questions about a silver charm I have hanging around my neck. I wear it all the time, my ex had brought it back from Iran for me. I openly said that, to let this go would be the beginning of letting my ex go and I don't see that I can do that yet...even knowing that this is in fact hurting me not helping me. I need to be free and need God to help me walk away from this really unhealthy relationship. I am tired of always needing to be needed and always worrying that I may upset someone. I don't want to be cold, I'm just saying that I want a relationship with a God and a healthy one with myself before I can or want to even think about anyone else. So then my pastor and I started talking about my past relationships with men, man oh man did he ever strike something in me. God was clearly using that time to 'call me out!'
I have never just been by myself (with my girl of course), I mean not in any relationship. I realize now that I must just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) something that I have struggled with for months but still try.
Tuesday night I met up with my friends that I went to Mexico with and I gave my 'charm' to one of them, Judy. Last night, I went to train at my ex's school and told his business partner that I would not be staying there once 'he' gets back from Iran. I need to 'quit'. It's like when I quit smoking, a complete lifestyle change is necessary. I can't move forward with God if I keep holding on to the past, I don't believe it works like that.
I'm getting my life together and then God and I are gonna 'rock' out!
Last night I got a drive home from a friend that is in my parents group and she is not a Christian and when we got to my house we had been talking about when I prayed in Mexico and how great it was. We hugged goodbye and then I asked her if I could pray for her....I was really nervous but she said yes please. So I grabbed her hand and prayed for her. When I was done she hugged me, thanked me and said that she couldn't do the same for me, I said that's OK, and then she told me that I was the first person to ever do that for her.
God is good and I know he will rock with me no matter how 'together' I think I have my life but I feel this is what I need to do.
So I will continue to pray that when my ex gets back in 1 month that I will be able to stand firm in my decision.
So can you pray for me?
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