"See child I am here and all you need!"

Another page today but not so blank, its a short week this week so I had to carry some things over from yesterday! and before I left I wrote the above on the top of my paper for today.  I didn't get all my work done------not acceptable-----I should be able to do all my work, get ready for Mexico, handle my cancer, raise a teenager, train, run the world AND be superwoman at the same time.  Yeh right!

The amount of times I am reminded to just stop and be still and know that He is God are so many I cannot count. 
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day.  I've been feeling pretty good this week (it's only Wednesday) but still, pretty good until yesterday afternoon.
Last week I battled with my vertigo, brightness from the sun seems to trigger it which was rather alarming to me as I am days away from going to Mexico for my missions trip.  I figured that God will take care of that, however as previously stated in my earlier blog, I started questioning the trip all together.
Anyways, the vertigo has settled down and I was able to get some strong fitted sunglasses, so in total I am now taking 5 pairs down with me. 
I went to drop off my taxes yesterday to my friend who is an accountant and she is doing my taxes for me this year.  I NEVER leave things until last minute but I totally did on this one.  Probably doesn't help that money is a huge stress/anxiety trigger for me, so I do what many other people do--avoid--and more often than not it leaves me in a pile of tears.  I showed up at her work with my file in hand...a little cautious but feeling altogether confident that I had everything----except last years tax return???!!!!!!!
Well, I start crying and am so upset with my self, I'm angry because I gave so much of myself to Elite (company I sold out of last year) and because I don't really have anything to show what I put into Elite, except my blood, sweat and tears, I will likely be paying taxes. Why should I have to pay taxes when I gave blood to that company.  All the negative thoughts start creeping into my mind----just what the evil one wants right before I go to do something great with God.  So along with all the negative thoughts comes self doubt which comes from my brain cancer. I have allowed my cancer to be my crutch when I fall short of what I feel is a reachable expectation. I have been playing the blame game with my cancer! I'll admit it!
And in Gods perfect timing, my pastor  (not really MINE) Pastor Shane came into her office and said, "Mel can I see you for about 10 minutes?", I'm not completely self destructive yet so I agreed and wandered down the hallway to his office.  I sat down and he turns to me and he says,
"I've been needing to tell you this for a couple weeks now but I just haven't found the right time so I'm going to tell you now.  You are meant to go to Mexico, God wants you in Mexico and on this trip Melanie.  He is going to do great things in and thru you on this trip and I really felt the need to tell you that. As well as, please do not have such high expectations and don't think you need to live up to any of the teams expectations.  I just need you to keep me in the loop as to how you are feeling.  If you feel a little tired one day or overwhelmed, just tell me.  This trip is not about you or me, so we will just go with it and do what we can.  I would be upset if you pushed yourself too hard when really you shouldn't have been not the other way around."  I cried because he was totally hitting on a nerve big time!
On Good Friday; I went to church and went up for prayer after and my other pastor, Pastor Dave was praying for me and he started praying about expectations and that I'm not to worry about what other peoples expectations of me are and he prayed that I would not feel the need to do everything or push beyond my limits and that I just relax and not feel the need to---basically control everything .

So the past few days and even weeks this has been an ongoing thing with me.  Shane, my pastor that is going on the trip with me had asked me to pray to God and thank Him for whatever it is that I want Him to do in and thru me this coming week in Mexico.  He also read to me Mark 11: 22-26, ..."Have faith in God," Jesus answered.  "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.  Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"...
So I headed home after this little meeting with Shane, God`s perfect timing of course.  Nicely played God! I like to say this to Him sometimes when it`s so clearly His doing.

I left the Church listening to my Hillsong United music from their Aftermath CD (click on todays blog title)....
I was still a little bit in panic mode as I still had to find my last years tax return??????

Nothing at home, so I prayed and verbally gave it over to God saying that this is for Him cause I can't deal with it and I have NO control over this and with that I got on a bus heading to Elite as I thought it MUST be on the computer there......nope!  panic again creeps in and the entire time I'm saying" ok God, what do I do now?"
I decided to email my last years accountant and pray that they would send me a copy of my last years tax return by today (Wednesday) as I have to give everything to Brenda tonight.  It was a bit cheeky I know because I wanted them to do something for me at no cost to them and I'm not using them this year for my taxes.  Off the email goes and with a lot of prayer let me tell you!
Well, God is awesome....5 minutes later I get an email back from one of the junior accountants and an attachment of my 2009 tax return.  Oh man I was all up in the praising and thanking God.  I said to the owner of Elite..."See when you don't think it will work out it ALWAYS does, it just does"!

So I get on the bus to go home, get home, grabbed my Bible and my journal and started writing. 
I thanked God for nudging me and for strategically placing people in my path that would encourage me today and remind me to look to Him for guidance and support not other people or myself.  I thanked Him for rocking my world while I was down in Mexico.  I thanked Him for the changes that would take place with Alex and I when I returned.
I totally thanked Him for the awesome change in me He is going to make when I'm away, I thanked Him for how He would use me to show Himself to others and to minister to people whoever, wherever they are. 
I asked God to forgive me for not leaning on Him in those hard moments but then thanked Him for the opportunity to learn and practise leaning on Him.

And then as I'm typing this to you, the God line that found it's way on the top of my page yesterday as I was headed out my office catches my eye.  Some of you may think, oh coincidence.  But I say "Oh no....that's totally God!"

So can I just say this, listen for the whispers because THAT is where you find God's voice.  It's in the whispers and the small things.
It reminds me of some movie (??) I saw years ago...Oh it was Indiana Jones .  He had to guess which goblet Jesus drank from and while the others chose the shiny and bling bling ones and died.  He chose the dirtiest and the most 'common' looking one and said that Jesus wouldn't drink from anything that others wouldn't drink out of.  That has always stuck with me and I think of that often when I think of God speaking and seeing His little miracles.  They are essential to our faith.  Not the biggies, its the wee ones that push our faith.
By faith and not by sight.

This will likely be it until i get back from Mexico so please pray for my eyes that they see when they need to and that I am able to remain open for ALL God has to offer.
Bless you all for reading my blog and I pray it touches you and many others thru you.