You know, you never know how important balance is when it comes to certain parts of your body. Take for example; your arms. Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk when your arms don't know which way to swing? It is really hard and to add to that your legs decide they will go whichever way they want too.
This is where it's good fun, arms and legs going everywhere, neither is talking to the other so there is no method to this madness.
This unfortunately has how its been the last few days for me. Straight up, I was just in the washroom and I thought to myself (as the dizziness is setting in and I'm at work) what kind of quality of life is this? Clearly there's a problem because the 'once in a while occurrence is now daily!
I'm really getting fed up and I'm tired of then countering that thought with the guilt of "Melanie at least you have legs" no doubt some of you are saying the same thing, I've thought it and I'm no exception to the rule. So that's my whine for today. And before anyone says anything to me about "Keep praying, keep your faith, look to God" I know all that I'm just pissed right now and he knows it so why pretend. I can't stand fake people so why do I want to be like that?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-04h8ojEC8&playnext=1&list=PLD213F724BDF9214F&feature=results_video
bless you all and thank you for praying for me.
Mel
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Monday, 3 December 2012
The Hospital Gong Show
OVERLOOK MY RIDICULOUS PUNCTUATION. I CARE ENOUGH TO POINT IT OUT BUT NOT ENOUGH TO CHANGE IT.
And as I am writing this to you, as much as I want to finish this my eyes are going funny so it may not happen today…….a few hours have passed and I really want to finish this before I call it a day let’s see how we make out, my eyes have settled for now. So …..oh yeah the nurse, so she goes away and the really nice Iranian blood nurse came in, I’ve had her before and I like her, not what she does though (smiling) So she takes some blood no problem, thank you God (I guess he’s finished whatever it was that he was doing before, chuckle) As she’s leaving I said to her “you guys are checking my tegretol levels right?” that is my seizure medication which was too high the last time I visited the hospital which wasn’t all that long ago. She looked a bit confused and said she didn’t think so but would check what the Dr…..moron #2 had ordered. SURPRISE, nope it wasn’t but now it is on there. See it just goes to show you that you really have to be on top of everything if you’re ever in the position of needing healthcare. I should’ve learned this lesson a long time ago, well better late than never I suppose.
It was not easy finding a song to give to you all so I prayed on it before I wrote this so I am going to stick with it. Actually after all of this, I need this song too.
Well I’m at home
really feeling the ‘want’ to blog. This
is not an easy feat for me as I’m doing it from home where I do not have
internet and my phone won’t let me blog???
I do however have a job that allows me a couple minutes here and there
to upload my blogJ
I have
had quite an eye opener of a week. You
know people complain about the medical professionals and I have ALWAYS defended
them as I have always had great care especially from the nurses and my
specialists….note the ‘had’. So here’s a
lay out of my week, last Monday I felt like myself again so I went to my job
which I had been missing dearly, and my back was getting sore and I was getting
lazy from all the laying around I was doing.
Anyway, no problem, I think I got a little wonky towards the end of the
day as per usual. Whatever, took my
pills went to bed another day done.
Tuesday, ahhhhh Tuesday how I laugh at thee. I was having my team meeting at Church( where
I work ) and my eye double vision that I know too well started and of course
it’s all downhill from there. My friend
and elder turns to me, as I’m trying to act as if nothing’s wrong and hide the
fact that my eyes are actually closed, she says to me “Melanie are you feeling
ok because you have just lost all the color in your face !” Crap, busted. I couldn’t say much because as quick as she
asked my body started to sway…not a good sign.
We started to pray (4) of us and my boss/pastor came and put his hand on
my shoulder while we prayed. I don’t
know if you’ve ever had someone lay a hand on you while praying??? It’s an awesome feeling. Well we were done, ending in me crying and
pretty much begging God to take this horrible feeling away. He didn’t but, what he did do was bring a
friend from my church and a very strong youth leader who was able to scoop me
up and put me in her car where she and our elder drove me off to the
hospital. It all goes downhill from here
so before I get into how pathetic and ill equipped some dr.’s are, I want to
give a shout out to our strong Hillside youth pastor, Trevor, my brother I love
you. (Plug) When I say ‘our’ I am
referring to Hillside as all this excitement
happens with that church family not my NSAC family.
So, please remember
that although I’m pretty sure the following events are accurate; they are as I
remember them.
So I hear some
nurses behind me say…”Oh … dr… is on call today.” Well if I could’ve jumped up
and down I would’ve because that was my specialist….thanks God, another high
five for team God.
He’s just meeting me
all the way here. If we keep this up,
I’ll be cancer free before I know it…..not to be….apparently I won’t be seeing
the specialist BUT the emerg. Dr. I guess went and spoke to him because when I
asked if I would be seeing dr…., he said no and then had the bloody nerve to
ask how my stress was!!!!!!!! Now if
you’re asking yourself “why is she getting all worked up?” well you need to
read the previous blog where my collapsing episodes were put down to ‘sub
conscious stress’ (load of rubbish) whatever, that’s the first moron I met and
I’d only been there for about 1 hour at this point, I’m referring to the emerg
dr. not my specialist. I’d like to add
in that at NO point of my wretched visit did anyone ask if I was on any
medication and if so, had any of the doses changed since I was last in there?
For all they knew I was on some bad drug trip that had been cut with
something….they had no bloody clue!!!!!
So I then get asked what I do and the usual blah blah blah questions so
I tell moron #1 that I work in a church, so he asks me (I’m starting to laugh
already) “were you in a heated argument when this happened?”, I kind of made
that noise you make when someone who has ‘no clue’ asks you a dumb, rhetorical
question. It’s like if someone asks you
if you love your child or partner, you just want to say,” seriously, are you
seriously asking me that?” and then that ‘phit’ noise follows immediately
afterwards. You may not want to admit that you know what I’m talking about
because it’s not a very kind thought but we’ve all thought and done it at some
point. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus
made a ‘phit’ sound while he was flipping the tables. I never question or adjust scripture, I mean
no disrespect, God knows, I’m just sayin!
Anyway, after my
obvious ‘phit’ I say “no as a matter of fact we were praying!!!” (Prayer plug) He leaves after
asking me and receiving my answer to what I thought was a dumb question. I was rolled into one of the bays (?) and we
are hanging around there for a while which is expected. Then my dreaded uggghhhh happens, “Mum I have
to pee.” So I’ve done the bed pan before and I really have my mind set that I’m
not doing that again. So we get what I
call the ‘Cabode’ I wiggle onto it with my mums help of course. As we pray that this works, God answers in no
time at all. Amen. So the nurse comes in to put my IV in for the
saline drip (I know this is standard hospital procedure, along with taking my
blood) well, mum and I pray intently that this needle goes in smoothly and with
no pain. Ok, let’s not be greedy, I’ll
take a little pain God. I think God was
really focused on someone else (joking) because it hurt like hell as she
wiggled the needle around because the vein kept running. Not in that arm, so as tears are streaming
down my face, she goes into my left arm and same thing only now she finds a
vein that is willing to cooperate. I am
in so much pain.And as I am writing this to you, as much as I want to finish this my eyes are going funny so it may not happen today…….a few hours have passed and I really want to finish this before I call it a day let’s see how we make out, my eyes have settled for now. So …..oh yeah the nurse, so she goes away and the really nice Iranian blood nurse came in, I’ve had her before and I like her, not what she does though (smiling) So she takes some blood no problem, thank you God (I guess he’s finished whatever it was that he was doing before, chuckle) As she’s leaving I said to her “you guys are checking my tegretol levels right?” that is my seizure medication which was too high the last time I visited the hospital which wasn’t all that long ago. She looked a bit confused and said she didn’t think so but would check what the Dr…..moron #2 had ordered. SURPRISE, nope it wasn’t but now it is on there. See it just goes to show you that you really have to be on top of everything if you’re ever in the position of needing healthcare. I should’ve learned this lesson a long time ago, well better late than never I suppose.
So after a while dr.
moron #2 walks in and says “so you’re tegretol level looks good so no need to
worry about that.” So of course I know
what my levels should be (20-50), so logically my question is “Ok, what’s the
number?” “63” said casually as he’s heading for the curtain entrance, I say a
little louder now, “63?? That’s high.
Last time I was admitted and it was 63.
How can you say that’s an ok #?”
“Oh well we’ve had people up near 100 before, 63 is nothing to be
alarmed about.” Looking back now, I
should’ve let him have it but clearly God was hard at work binding my tongue
and let me tell you I am sure that is no easy feat once I start going. Well, I muddled something or other as he
left. I don’t know within 1 hour later
he comes in again and as if I’m a 5 yr. old child claps his hands together and
says, “well you’re looking strong so you can go home whenever you’re ready”,
“what about my tegretol levels?” “That’s
normal and it’s not the cause of this.
We did the levels because you asked us too and besides it’s probably been
affected by your afternoon meds.” “Ok mum, let’s go clearly I’m ok” (no sarcasm
there or here) as we are leaving the nurse says to my mum “if you have any
trouble managing her at home just bring her back.” Awe come on morons. Your nurses know I shouldn’t be going
home.
In hindsight what
made me angrier than anything was that he released me on the comment that I
looked stronger. Not once did he ask me
to walk, he didn’t even ask if I could walk….I’m sorry but I did a better job
of managing myself, again I will refer to my dear friend Lois who always said
“self-care girl” I wonder if this is
what she meant. The story just gets
better and better; let’s just end it on 2 points. My specialist told me to decrease my seizure
meds by 1000mg which was comforting considering I’m only taking 1000mg,ummmmm
hello who’s file are you reading or are we just grasping at straws??
And lastly, I had a
great talk with my daughter Saturday night as she stayed home to hang out with
me while I nursed yet another night of feeling horrible I told her that it felt like no one had my
back, like all along thru this cancer walk more often than not I’ve made the
right call and I can feel what my body’s telling me and why don’t people believe
me, even dr.’s?! I just want to know, who's got my back?
“I’ve got your back
mum, I’ll believe you. And if I need to,
I’ll even go to those dr.’s and tell them “*@# ((*&*^ %$#^&*(*))&*….my
mum!!!!”It was not easy finding a song to give to you all so I prayed on it before I wrote this so I am going to stick with it. Actually after all of this, I need this song too.
God is good all the
time
AmenMonday, 26 November 2012
"Amen" and an "awe man!"
So I took hit #2 of my chemo on Friday the 16th and Amen I wasn't sick (jumping up and down) they had me on so much anti-nausea medication, the chemo didn't stand a chance:)
However these things come at a price. I went to a movie Saturday night, don't see 'Flight' unless its free (un plug). I felt so great and so thankful that Jesus and I weren't up all night sick. I wanted to take advantage of this awesomeness. Sunday I felt a tad dizzy but nothing that wasn't bearable so I went to an awesome 'seminar' at NSAC called Defend Dignity. I still felt OK but recognised when it was time to go home. I even got up early for church on Sunday I felt so good.
Well Monday I was off work and was out and about (can't remember where), anyway I was doing my laundry because even on chemo there's no excuse for dirty clothes unless....your legs collapse making it impossible for you to finish resulting in a phone call to a friend who hurried over to take my laundry to her house to finish it for me. My concern wasn't so much it getting finished rather the people in line after me would go thru it or just throw it on the floor because no one took it out. People in my building are very testy when it comes to laundry. It is free but on a time schedule. Anyway, my other friend had to be called over as one leaves and a new one arrives. So i was babysat until my mum could come over from work where she sat with me lovingly until I fell asleep.
What a baby! Well Tuesday morning came, way to early and again, not sure what I was doing but I remember calling my 'Vancouver' dad and just saying, "you need to come and pick me up, I can't walk."
Well, when God says "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. He really means it. So I'm sure by the grace of God my dad was able to manage me down to the car, I think at one point we were both ready to call 911 as I was falling all over the place. I wasn't dizzy though, my balance was totally off, I had no depth perception and my feet couldn't find their placement. So that was my Tuesday and my Wednesday. Thursday I phoned my oncologist and the pharmacist told me that although this reaction is not common, it is heard of and as long as I am progressively getting better to just work it through. ( Not very helpful considering how vulnerable I felt.) I saw my neurologist because the headaches have been of migraine level, a friend I know all too well.
Although I was sure God wouldn't let my legs lose control or power in the middle of the street for this and my headache reason I thought it best to see my brain guy. He pretty much said the same thing as the oncology dept. Lots of drugs in me and I have to lay and let them work thru my system. BAH HUMBUG!!!!! I have things to do, places to go, people to see. (well OK not really, I cleared my schedule and was given the week off work.) It's the principle of it though.
Why is it that they never tell you what you want to hear?
Anyway, I once again, through the rebellious tenants in my head I was able to sit with God and he revealed much to me and that was worth all this other crap. I shared my heart and spirit with dear friends, I shared about God and what's he's done and continues to do in my life and through the cancer that I have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tZ1fWz4fAE&feature=related
Just sang this song on Sunday at church and my heart just about burst with joy out of my chest.
The church I have been blessed to work at has told me to take every week after my treatment off so I can recover. I'm absolutely NEVER leaving here:)
After all of this goodness and blessing I would have to be positively blind to not see Gods hand here. He is so good all the time and uses everything although lets be honest we don't always feel that way. (just calling a spade a spade). Sometimes its afterwards that we see his hand, but it's been there the entire time.
Bless you all and thank you for all your prayers.
However these things come at a price. I went to a movie Saturday night, don't see 'Flight' unless its free (un plug). I felt so great and so thankful that Jesus and I weren't up all night sick. I wanted to take advantage of this awesomeness. Sunday I felt a tad dizzy but nothing that wasn't bearable so I went to an awesome 'seminar' at NSAC called Defend Dignity. I still felt OK but recognised when it was time to go home. I even got up early for church on Sunday I felt so good.
Well Monday I was off work and was out and about (can't remember where), anyway I was doing my laundry because even on chemo there's no excuse for dirty clothes unless....your legs collapse making it impossible for you to finish resulting in a phone call to a friend who hurried over to take my laundry to her house to finish it for me. My concern wasn't so much it getting finished rather the people in line after me would go thru it or just throw it on the floor because no one took it out. People in my building are very testy when it comes to laundry. It is free but on a time schedule. Anyway, my other friend had to be called over as one leaves and a new one arrives. So i was babysat until my mum could come over from work where she sat with me lovingly until I fell asleep.
What a baby! Well Tuesday morning came, way to early and again, not sure what I was doing but I remember calling my 'Vancouver' dad and just saying, "you need to come and pick me up, I can't walk."
Well, when God says "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. He really means it. So I'm sure by the grace of God my dad was able to manage me down to the car, I think at one point we were both ready to call 911 as I was falling all over the place. I wasn't dizzy though, my balance was totally off, I had no depth perception and my feet couldn't find their placement. So that was my Tuesday and my Wednesday. Thursday I phoned my oncologist and the pharmacist told me that although this reaction is not common, it is heard of and as long as I am progressively getting better to just work it through. ( Not very helpful considering how vulnerable I felt.) I saw my neurologist because the headaches have been of migraine level, a friend I know all too well.
Although I was sure God wouldn't let my legs lose control or power in the middle of the street for this and my headache reason I thought it best to see my brain guy. He pretty much said the same thing as the oncology dept. Lots of drugs in me and I have to lay and let them work thru my system. BAH HUMBUG!!!!! I have things to do, places to go, people to see. (well OK not really, I cleared my schedule and was given the week off work.) It's the principle of it though.
Why is it that they never tell you what you want to hear?
Anyway, I once again, through the rebellious tenants in my head I was able to sit with God and he revealed much to me and that was worth all this other crap. I shared my heart and spirit with dear friends, I shared about God and what's he's done and continues to do in my life and through the cancer that I have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tZ1fWz4fAE&feature=related
Just sang this song on Sunday at church and my heart just about burst with joy out of my chest.
The church I have been blessed to work at has told me to take every week after my treatment off so I can recover. I'm absolutely NEVER leaving here:)
After all of this goodness and blessing I would have to be positively blind to not see Gods hand here. He is so good all the time and uses everything although lets be honest we don't always feel that way. (just calling a spade a spade). Sometimes its afterwards that we see his hand, but it's been there the entire time.
Bless you all and thank you for all your prayers.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Round 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV63_Vmf-74
I invite you all to listen to the Hillsong United Church that I have linked above. The song holds extremely special meaning to me as it was one that my dear friend Lois shared when she was first diagnosed with cancer and now she is heaven resting in the presence of Jesus. This song is helpful to remind me that God is with me and really at the end of the day all I need is Him.
I had my oncology appointment yesterday...
Tonight I start round #2 and guess what???????? If my body doesn't get itself together and get my white blood cell count up then round #3 will be lessened or possibly put on hold which wouldn't be to good because as much as I HATE taken these wretched pills, they are very useful and necessary in helping me evict these 2 tenants in my head.
My bones have softened a bit but not dangerous; just something to keep our eyes on and of course lets not forget the whole reason I was collapsing......yup, my seizure med levels just will not stay down so they're on they're way up again but I'm all over it.
I don't want to drop again, that would really suck if I was in the line up at Tim Hortons (plug) and I'm just about to order and BAM I drop.
So as far as the bone density, I will have regular x rays to monitor and I have been given strict instructions that I must not do any hard core slamming in a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. :)
That's about it, more anti-nausea pills to take so I'm praying, and you too please, that they are strong enough to keep everything down, otherwise Jesus and I once again will be sleeping in the washroom.
Thanks again for all your prayers. Its kind of funny, when times are tough we sometimes ask "where are you God" but then there's times like this when I have NO doubt that Jesus is in the bathroom with me.
So I will stand strong, make my smart ass comments and as my boss would say, use Gallows humour to get thru. I come by it honestly.
Bless you all.
Mel:):):)
I invite you all to listen to the Hillsong United Church that I have linked above. The song holds extremely special meaning to me as it was one that my dear friend Lois shared when she was first diagnosed with cancer and now she is heaven resting in the presence of Jesus. This song is helpful to remind me that God is with me and really at the end of the day all I need is Him.
I had my oncology appointment yesterday...
Tonight I start round #2 and guess what???????? If my body doesn't get itself together and get my white blood cell count up then round #3 will be lessened or possibly put on hold which wouldn't be to good because as much as I HATE taken these wretched pills, they are very useful and necessary in helping me evict these 2 tenants in my head.
My bones have softened a bit but not dangerous; just something to keep our eyes on and of course lets not forget the whole reason I was collapsing......yup, my seizure med levels just will not stay down so they're on they're way up again but I'm all over it.
I don't want to drop again, that would really suck if I was in the line up at Tim Hortons (plug) and I'm just about to order and BAM I drop.
So as far as the bone density, I will have regular x rays to monitor and I have been given strict instructions that I must not do any hard core slamming in a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. :)
That's about it, more anti-nausea pills to take so I'm praying, and you too please, that they are strong enough to keep everything down, otherwise Jesus and I once again will be sleeping in the washroom.
Thanks again for all your prayers. Its kind of funny, when times are tough we sometimes ask "where are you God" but then there's times like this when I have NO doubt that Jesus is in the bathroom with me.
So I will stand strong, make my smart ass comments and as my boss would say, use Gallows humour to get thru. I come by it honestly.
Bless you all.
Mel:):):)
Friday, 2 November 2012
Nothing too exciting for once:)
So this is just an update. It's actually kind of boring. I had an appointment with my oncologist on Wednesday, he agreed that the reaction I had to my last chemo wasn't normal...I think I've said that in an earlier blog. Bottom line, he's going to increase my anti-naseau meds, and he also told me if I'm that sick again to just come into the hospital and they will give me an IV with the good stuff in it to settle my stomach right down.:):):):) I like the sound of that. My seizure medication levels have dropped tremendously, and so have my dizzy spells. I still get them but not as frequent and to combat my migraines which are fierce I have been given a very strong migraine medication.
So I'm feeling pretty good. I felt really good after my appointment with Sasha (oncologist) and I feel like I am making headway.
I have an MRI in January that I am really looking forward to because it will show what both tumors have been upto. Maybe one of them is packing and getting ready to move out.
God is good, all the time and I can feel him continuing to work in and with me and that is an incredible feeling.
Oh of course I turned 41 on October 25, I guess thats news too.
Well thats it, incase you wonder how often I write in here...when something happens I write.
Until next time may God be gracious and show you His glory.
Phenomenal song, the prayer in the middle is sure to bring goose bumps all over. Sit back, close your eyes, and be open to how the spirit moves you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
Bless you
Mel
So I'm feeling pretty good. I felt really good after my appointment with Sasha (oncologist) and I feel like I am making headway.
I have an MRI in January that I am really looking forward to because it will show what both tumors have been upto. Maybe one of them is packing and getting ready to move out.
God is good, all the time and I can feel him continuing to work in and with me and that is an incredible feeling.
Oh of course I turned 41 on October 25, I guess thats news too.
Well thats it, incase you wonder how often I write in here...when something happens I write.
Until next time may God be gracious and show you His glory.
Phenomenal song, the prayer in the middle is sure to bring goose bumps all over. Sit back, close your eyes, and be open to how the spirit moves you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
Bless you
Mel
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
...and there she goes yet again....
I have been in and out of the hospital since last Wednesday. I had called my oncologist that morning to ask about the affects of the chemo as I was still feeling so bad. They said to come in right away because the oncologist 'Sasha' wanted to speak with me. He said that this was not normal (big surprise!!) He ordered an urgent CTscan to see what was going on. The scan could not be done until 4:30p.m. My parents and I went off to the new Swiss Chalet that had just opened up on the corner of Marine Dr and Cap Mall. (plug)
I had just finished a very yummy quarter dinner, dark meat with fries, the same I always order and I started to get dizzy and then it all of a sudden went from bad to uncontrollable. My mum helped me stumble ridiculously to the car. I think I looked like someone who had more than one too many at the bar. I sat in the car and the body went completely limp. I couldn't move anything, everything just hung and flopped like a rag doll. For those that have experienced this with me before know how horrible this is for me. Off to the hospital with an attempt at some small jokes along the way. Remembering my poor dad and the nurse try to get me out of the car and into the wheelchair is painful. He's seen me like that and worse before but I don't think that when we told the nurse that,"i couldn't bare weight", she believed us but found out very fast as my upper body started to slip out of her grip. 127bs. dead weight is the same as trying to lift 254lbs. Good luck. Anyway with some manipulating of body parts, mission accomplished and in thru the doors bypassing the line and straight onto a bed. I don't fully remember what happened next, I think I was kept in under observation and my neurologist came in and told me that he thought that my 'collapsing episodes' were my body's way of manifesting subconscious stress. I thought OK well he's my neurologist and what do I know about this stuff. So I took it as the explanation. You know when you eat something kind of bad and it just doesn't sit right with you? That's kind of how I felt. I just wasn't 100% sold on that theory. I was released Friday morning at 10:30a.m. I met with my friend Elisa to go to a lawyers office to have an affidavit witnessed and started to feel a bit dizzy so I grabbed her arm as we were leaving and said "Elisa I need to lay down" and my body crumbled as I slunk to the floor. Thank God the papers were signed first:) i Could hear her on the phone and vaguely remember her asking me questions and then having some firemen and ambulance attendants around me. This ride was even more painful. I'm just telling you the truth hear so skip ahead if your mind can't handle it. When they brought me down in the wheel chair with the big black neck brace for restraining your head, it was really hard to not be aware of everyone staring at you. Yeh yeh I know, at least we have these services so I should be grateful and I am but you do it and look me in the eyes and tell me you are not uncomfortable having all those people look at you. It's embarrassing. To make matters worse they undid the strap and one of the women held my head as the one male attendant must've thought he was a strong man (LOL) lets call him 'shooter' (i just like that name) He says to the other male attendant,"just put her arms over my shoulders and I'll just lift her up." ( hello.......I can't hold on remember. My limbs have gone completely limp remember that's why you came.) Anyway, so the attendant throws my arms around shooters shoulders expecting them to stay up and they did until shooter moved to pull me up, well lets just say i felt two of them quickly grab my jeans and they are no longer low rise jeans. Bloody painful. When we were in the ambulance I asked the lady attendant if she could pull them down a bit. So here I am 4 hours later and I'm back into emerg at LGH. blah blah blah, they check my into the neuro unit (7th floor) and as I have to exercise my legs back to normal I decided to go for a bit of a short walk and on my way back I got a little wobbly and a nurse came to help me and as soon as I sat down my body went limp. So there I am in hospital for another 3 days (out today). I spent that time praying with God, having conversations with him, journalling and really sitting in this "your collapses are due to subconscious stress". I was also told that my anti-seizure levels in my blood were way past the acceptable amount. The max was 50 and I was at 73. The last time I was in the hospital, the 'stress' factor wasn't layed on the table it was strictly my seizure meds were too high.
More importantly was what God used this time to do in me. Thru prayer and much confirmation I believe that my neurologist said what he believes to be true, about the stress. I believe God used that to remind me that I must submit myself and all my conscious thoughts as well as ask him to take or bring to light any subconscious thoughts that I may have that are not building up but breaking down daily. For that reminder I am deeply grateful. I have also been asking God to keep me humble for a while now and I tell ya, if you've ever gone thru the hospital without any control of any body part, you'll know what I'm talking about. Thank you God for great family. God performed miracles in that place. Many of you know that one of the needles I had to take was in my right wrist because they couldn't get blood anywhere else and I was in so much pain from all the poking. I prayed for Jesus to take the needle because I did 't think I could take anymore and I saw his hand gently lay across mine as the needle went in. There was no hole, no bruising--nothing.
I kept my eyes open and little miracles were happening all around me. We prayed thru the halls, over the rooms, the people in each room. The spirit was overflowing in my room so much that a lady that worked there, maybe a volunteer, came in to see if I needed anything and she said she could feel the presence of great peace and when she looked where I was sitting in bed she could see a mighty presence and angels around the bed. Talk about being a light in the darkness for God. I thanked her for sharing that with me as it serves as a reminder of how important it is to reflect the love we have for God for people to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQcpMfegDsc
I had just finished a very yummy quarter dinner, dark meat with fries, the same I always order and I started to get dizzy and then it all of a sudden went from bad to uncontrollable. My mum helped me stumble ridiculously to the car. I think I looked like someone who had more than one too many at the bar. I sat in the car and the body went completely limp. I couldn't move anything, everything just hung and flopped like a rag doll. For those that have experienced this with me before know how horrible this is for me. Off to the hospital with an attempt at some small jokes along the way. Remembering my poor dad and the nurse try to get me out of the car and into the wheelchair is painful. He's seen me like that and worse before but I don't think that when we told the nurse that,"i couldn't bare weight", she believed us but found out very fast as my upper body started to slip out of her grip. 127bs. dead weight is the same as trying to lift 254lbs. Good luck. Anyway with some manipulating of body parts, mission accomplished and in thru the doors bypassing the line and straight onto a bed. I don't fully remember what happened next, I think I was kept in under observation and my neurologist came in and told me that he thought that my 'collapsing episodes' were my body's way of manifesting subconscious stress. I thought OK well he's my neurologist and what do I know about this stuff. So I took it as the explanation. You know when you eat something kind of bad and it just doesn't sit right with you? That's kind of how I felt. I just wasn't 100% sold on that theory. I was released Friday morning at 10:30a.m. I met with my friend Elisa to go to a lawyers office to have an affidavit witnessed and started to feel a bit dizzy so I grabbed her arm as we were leaving and said "Elisa I need to lay down" and my body crumbled as I slunk to the floor. Thank God the papers were signed first:) i Could hear her on the phone and vaguely remember her asking me questions and then having some firemen and ambulance attendants around me. This ride was even more painful. I'm just telling you the truth hear so skip ahead if your mind can't handle it. When they brought me down in the wheel chair with the big black neck brace for restraining your head, it was really hard to not be aware of everyone staring at you. Yeh yeh I know, at least we have these services so I should be grateful and I am but you do it and look me in the eyes and tell me you are not uncomfortable having all those people look at you. It's embarrassing. To make matters worse they undid the strap and one of the women held my head as the one male attendant must've thought he was a strong man (LOL) lets call him 'shooter' (i just like that name) He says to the other male attendant,"just put her arms over my shoulders and I'll just lift her up." ( hello.......I can't hold on remember. My limbs have gone completely limp remember that's why you came.) Anyway, so the attendant throws my arms around shooters shoulders expecting them to stay up and they did until shooter moved to pull me up, well lets just say i felt two of them quickly grab my jeans and they are no longer low rise jeans. Bloody painful. When we were in the ambulance I asked the lady attendant if she could pull them down a bit. So here I am 4 hours later and I'm back into emerg at LGH. blah blah blah, they check my into the neuro unit (7th floor) and as I have to exercise my legs back to normal I decided to go for a bit of a short walk and on my way back I got a little wobbly and a nurse came to help me and as soon as I sat down my body went limp. So there I am in hospital for another 3 days (out today). I spent that time praying with God, having conversations with him, journalling and really sitting in this "your collapses are due to subconscious stress". I was also told that my anti-seizure levels in my blood were way past the acceptable amount. The max was 50 and I was at 73. The last time I was in the hospital, the 'stress' factor wasn't layed on the table it was strictly my seizure meds were too high.
More importantly was what God used this time to do in me. Thru prayer and much confirmation I believe that my neurologist said what he believes to be true, about the stress. I believe God used that to remind me that I must submit myself and all my conscious thoughts as well as ask him to take or bring to light any subconscious thoughts that I may have that are not building up but breaking down daily. For that reminder I am deeply grateful. I have also been asking God to keep me humble for a while now and I tell ya, if you've ever gone thru the hospital without any control of any body part, you'll know what I'm talking about. Thank you God for great family. God performed miracles in that place. Many of you know that one of the needles I had to take was in my right wrist because they couldn't get blood anywhere else and I was in so much pain from all the poking. I prayed for Jesus to take the needle because I did 't think I could take anymore and I saw his hand gently lay across mine as the needle went in. There was no hole, no bruising--nothing.
I kept my eyes open and little miracles were happening all around me. We prayed thru the halls, over the rooms, the people in each room. The spirit was overflowing in my room so much that a lady that worked there, maybe a volunteer, came in to see if I needed anything and she said she could feel the presence of great peace and when she looked where I was sitting in bed she could see a mighty presence and angels around the bed. Talk about being a light in the darkness for God. I thanked her for sharing that with me as it serves as a reminder of how important it is to reflect the love we have for God for people to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQcpMfegDsc
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Rough weekend
So I took my new chemo regiment on Friday night. I learnt very quickly why the oncology pharmacist asked if I didn't want to wait until after the weekend. I don't even know what to say. The 6 nausea pills didn't do their job. You know in this whole cancer deal, we all have an arrangement and my tummy didn't hold up its end of the bargain......at all! The whole time I kept thinking God hold my hand hold my hand hold my hand. And that turned into God make it stop make it stop OH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. And 4'ish hours later it did. I was flat out all yesterday so that's a good thing I didn't have any wild n crazy plans last night.
I went to church today and then the aftermath. My tummy started to quiver my head started to get dizzy and I had to sit down and just pray it wouldn't start again. It didn't go further than that however as soon as I got into my building I could smell people's turkeys and I thought oh no this doesn't feel to good. Got inside my house lay down right away and put my feet up. Then complained to my daughter about how crappy I felt, and how I'd have to cancel the wild party I had planned (just kidding)
I told my friends at church today that cancer is like a baseball game, some one has to catch the pop fly, I just happened to catch two. So this weekend wasn't do hot at all, I know God is with me but it's still a sucky weekend. I am praying I can enjoy this afternoon with my family and maybe enjoy some food also.
Well until more drama,
Bless you and again thank you for your prayers and your comments, please keep them coming it is very encouraging.http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C-KLY4Ie0QU
I went to church today and then the aftermath. My tummy started to quiver my head started to get dizzy and I had to sit down and just pray it wouldn't start again. It didn't go further than that however as soon as I got into my building I could smell people's turkeys and I thought oh no this doesn't feel to good. Got inside my house lay down right away and put my feet up. Then complained to my daughter about how crappy I felt, and how I'd have to cancel the wild party I had planned (just kidding)
I told my friends at church today that cancer is like a baseball game, some one has to catch the pop fly, I just happened to catch two. So this weekend wasn't do hot at all, I know God is with me but it's still a sucky weekend. I am praying I can enjoy this afternoon with my family and maybe enjoy some food also.
Well until more drama,
Bless you and again thank you for your prayers and your comments, please keep them coming it is very encouraging.http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C-KLY4Ie0QU
Friday, 5 October 2012
Ready, set, go🔫💊....and she's off...
So I'm taking my chemo tonight. Ok so it's not as simple as put the pill in my mouth and swallow. There's a few pills and one mouth. (although it is a big mouth) that's your cue to chuckle at my attempt of pill humor, not much to go on.
So at 5:00 with my dinner I had 3 dexamethazone (steroid and anti nausea) then wait 4 hours with no food and take 1 ondansatron (anti nausea) then 30 minutes later take 4 chemo pills with all the other medication I take at night.
Wake up, have breakfast with a complimentary dexamethazone and at 3:00 have a snack and while in at it I'll throw back my last dexamethazone then I'll go back and do it again November 14. Thank God I'm not doing this everyday like last time.
I think dad I have broke my previous record of pill popping because I'm now at 20 in one day. But just for today❤
I got this cheer from my dads.....partner....girlfriend....whatever, it's really cute so I am sharing it with you. God provides great support when you just ask and that's all we have to do is ask. SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS MY PHONE IS GOING A LITTLE FUNNY.
So at 5:00 with my dinner I had 3 dexamethazone (steroid and anti nausea) then wait 4 hours with no food and take 1 ondansatron (anti nausea) then 30 minutes later take 4 chemo pills with all the other medication I take at night.
Wake up, have breakfast with a complimentary dexamethazone and at 3:00 have a snack and while in at it I'll throw back my last dexamethazone then I'll go back and do it again November 14. Thank God I'm not doing this everyday like last time.
I think dad I have broke my previous record of pill popping because I'm now at 20 in one day. But just for today❤
I got this cheer from my dads.....partner....girlfriend....whatever, it's really cute so I am sharing it with you. God provides great support when you just ask and that's all we have to do is ask. SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS MY PHONE IS GOING A LITTLE FUNNY.
Hi Mel (Carol here), here's a message for your new pills.
Gimme a C ........... “ C ! ”
Gimme an H ..............“ H ! ”
Gimme an E ..................“ E !”
Gimme an M ....................“ M! ”
Gimme an O .........................“O ! ”
Whaddya got?“CHEMO!” -YAAAAAAY CHEMO !
“On your Mark......Get Set.....GO!”
“GO CHEMO GO!” “Get in there and find Tobias and Spooner. Tobias and Spooner need to be evicted as soon as possible. They are not welcome tenants. Seek and destroy. Your instructions are to go in there and get them out, but please be careful of your surroundings, and be environmentally friendly.”
Bless you all and thank you again for your prayers.
Now please pray that I am not blogging in the middle of the night while sitting in the bathroom floor in between shifts.
Hope I made you laugh or at least smile a couple times cause I know I still owed from yesterday.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Uuuuuggggghhhhhhh waiting is SO hard!!!!!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=relmfu&v=FJ2_Gg6ka-k
Well I got home from work and there's a message in my voice mail asking me to call Dr. Padillas office (neurosurgeon) to discuss setting up an appointment in......November. I couldn't believe it, November? We are only just beginning October. How can I wait until November. That's so long. Anyway once I get my head around the wait and remind myself that their office is closed Friday and Monday and I haven't heard from the oncology department with my chemo date.
I can feel my mind getting ahead of itself, starting to race and I can feel the anxiety starting and the questions flood my mind.
"God, why am I waiting so long? I know there's people worse off than me but I never had to wait this long with Dr Klimo. Why aren't they taking this seriously. It's cancer not a bloody cut on my thumb! Oooohh I'm so mad !!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm thinking they are so disorganized and clearly don't know what they're doing over there. So I call my dad where my rant continues. "I'll be their worst patient if I have to follow up every single time!!!!" (Imagine I am just realing these ridiculous statements off out of frustration really. And let's face it, when he had to do emergency surgery on me, someone got put on the back burner. So I should shut up, get on my knees and be grateful, but....I'm mad!
I am not in control here, they are not in control, God is in control and I an reminded that if I stay in him I can freely feel what I feel and have a safe place to do it in.
It sucks, I can't lie, I just want to get going it seems like forever that I was told its grown. Time is moving so slowly and this thing isn't getting any smaller on its own.
I am trying to think of something 'quick tongued' to say but I've got nothing. Sorry, I try to get a laugh in each time but this time I'm too focused on God and not myself and blowing it big time. Next time I'll make up for it I promise. This song is keeping me sane, among many others.
My dear friend Lois told me once "Melanie, don't ask God for patience, it's a tough one to learn and you'll be waiting around a long time.". There's my funny contribution. Thanks Lois❤
Ok guys, so my plan is to call the oncology dept. tomorrow and see what's going on there.
I'll keep you all upto date.
Bless you and thank you for your prayers❤
Well I got home from work and there's a message in my voice mail asking me to call Dr. Padillas office (neurosurgeon) to discuss setting up an appointment in......November. I couldn't believe it, November? We are only just beginning October. How can I wait until November. That's so long. Anyway once I get my head around the wait and remind myself that their office is closed Friday and Monday and I haven't heard from the oncology department with my chemo date.
I can feel my mind getting ahead of itself, starting to race and I can feel the anxiety starting and the questions flood my mind.
"God, why am I waiting so long? I know there's people worse off than me but I never had to wait this long with Dr Klimo. Why aren't they taking this seriously. It's cancer not a bloody cut on my thumb! Oooohh I'm so mad !!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm thinking they are so disorganized and clearly don't know what they're doing over there. So I call my dad where my rant continues. "I'll be their worst patient if I have to follow up every single time!!!!" (Imagine I am just realing these ridiculous statements off out of frustration really. And let's face it, when he had to do emergency surgery on me, someone got put on the back burner. So I should shut up, get on my knees and be grateful, but....I'm mad!
I am not in control here, they are not in control, God is in control and I an reminded that if I stay in him I can freely feel what I feel and have a safe place to do it in.
It sucks, I can't lie, I just want to get going it seems like forever that I was told its grown. Time is moving so slowly and this thing isn't getting any smaller on its own.
I am trying to think of something 'quick tongued' to say but I've got nothing. Sorry, I try to get a laugh in each time but this time I'm too focused on God and not myself and blowing it big time. Next time I'll make up for it I promise. This song is keeping me sane, among many others.
My dear friend Lois told me once "Melanie, don't ask God for patience, it's a tough one to learn and you'll be waiting around a long time.". There's my funny contribution. Thanks Lois❤
Ok guys, so my plan is to call the oncology dept. tomorrow and see what's going on there.
I'll keep you all upto date.
Bless you and thank you for your prayers❤
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Not Alone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6rb8KdgM1Q
Well, I.....don't know where to begin, so here's what I've been texting everyone because how I truly feel cannot be worded on any level. I think what is truly going on is between God and I. So here's the PG version of what's going on. I say PG because my heart is more R rated right now.
Well, I would've liked to have gone without that appt.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've been taken out at the knees. I have to see my neurosurgeon to see if he thinks a biopsy should be done to determine if this is an offshoot of my pre existing tumour or if it's an astrocytoma which will really suck. So the chemo is just one really ridiculous pill once every 6 weeks. Of course there's side effects but my body has been pretty strong handling the rubbish they've been putting into me. Good thing God made me athletic all those years.
Anyway, I just really need to feel him in this, I have faith he is with me, I just want to feel him close to me. Please pray for me. I don't know how you can pray, my head is spinning with info so just pray in general.
After saying all that, Alex and I had a fantastic God led talk last night about everything that is going on and have decided a couple things. Firstly, the original tenant was named Tobias in 2007. This second one needed a name so considering all the facts we decided on calling it Spooner. It's kind of cuddled up close to the other one and we think of that as spooning. People get that and know what it means. So for now there are two tenants renting space in my head. I guess as long as they don't plan on having anymore roommates join them I'll deal with spooner as necessary.
Oh, on behalf of my girl, please don't tell her "it'll be OK" she knows that spiritually but physically no one knows about their lives or Gods plan for them so we can not say truthfully that it'll be fine. For those of you that know Alex you know she analyses and sees things on different levels to most young women her age. Just hug us and that's it. Thanks.
On September 20 I was praying and God told me that I can... "feel sad, angry, disappointed, I can even question him and confront him as to why he let this happen. I can do all of these things if I do them in Him." I then had a vision of Gods hands (kind of light and smokey and big puffy 'grandfather hands') He had them cradled and I was in the middle of them having a little temper tantrum. On the outside of His hands was just dark wasteland.
So I know he's OK with how I feel, I may not be yet but He is and that is whats important.
So bless you all for your continued prayers.
Mel
Check out my song.
Well, I.....don't know where to begin, so here's what I've been texting everyone because how I truly feel cannot be worded on any level. I think what is truly going on is between God and I. So here's the PG version of what's going on. I say PG because my heart is more R rated right now.
Well, I would've liked to have gone without that appt.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've been taken out at the knees. I have to see my neurosurgeon to see if he thinks a biopsy should be done to determine if this is an offshoot of my pre existing tumour or if it's an astrocytoma which will really suck. So the chemo is just one really ridiculous pill once every 6 weeks. Of course there's side effects but my body has been pretty strong handling the rubbish they've been putting into me. Good thing God made me athletic all those years.
Anyway, I just really need to feel him in this, I have faith he is with me, I just want to feel him close to me. Please pray for me. I don't know how you can pray, my head is spinning with info so just pray in general.
After saying all that, Alex and I had a fantastic God led talk last night about everything that is going on and have decided a couple things. Firstly, the original tenant was named Tobias in 2007. This second one needed a name so considering all the facts we decided on calling it Spooner. It's kind of cuddled up close to the other one and we think of that as spooning. People get that and know what it means. So for now there are two tenants renting space in my head. I guess as long as they don't plan on having anymore roommates join them I'll deal with spooner as necessary.
Oh, on behalf of my girl, please don't tell her "it'll be OK" she knows that spiritually but physically no one knows about their lives or Gods plan for them so we can not say truthfully that it'll be fine. For those of you that know Alex you know she analyses and sees things on different levels to most young women her age. Just hug us and that's it. Thanks.
On September 20 I was praying and God told me that I can... "feel sad, angry, disappointed, I can even question him and confront him as to why he let this happen. I can do all of these things if I do them in Him." I then had a vision of Gods hands (kind of light and smokey and big puffy 'grandfather hands') He had them cradled and I was in the middle of them having a little temper tantrum. On the outside of His hands was just dark wasteland.
So I know he's OK with how I feel, I may not be yet but He is and that is whats important.
So bless you all for your continued prayers.
Mel
Check out my song.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Gods Angels
As I lay here in the hospital listening to my music; I see people come and go. The blessed man across from me will be going into palliative care shortly. His daughter has been in twice today to fluff his pillow, brush his cheek as he holds her hand to his heart. The lady beside me; 93 years old and is going into a care facility when she leaves here has had her daughter sit with her playing cribbage for the past two hours. I see this and I think how so many people in our lives are Gods own angels here to make our time here that much easier to bare.
It's just how we choose to see things. I'd much rather see an angel.
It's just how we choose to see things. I'd much rather see an angel.
A familiar place
So here we are in an old familiar place I call 'neuro'. You'll find this lovely place with a view on the 7th floor of Lions Gate Hospital.
I checked in last night after being out with Kristie for what was supposed to be a nice tea date, I started to get dizzy and then BAM!!!
I couldn't walk so we called my other friend to come and pick us up. Now picture this...I live on 19&Lonsdale, 15&Lonsdale is where Tim Hortons is, but I can't make it home so, my blessed friend mary louise who lives on 18& Lonsdale had to come with her car to pick me up. So they both get me in the car and we get to her house where I fully intend on putting my feet up and being waited on while my body settles back down...well my body and I are not on the same page...I become jello, my muscles just collapse I have no control and can bare no weight. Ok let's call 911 and ride to the hospital in style, an ambulance. And in handsome style too (the attendant) I probably would've appreciated that more if I could see straight.
So my friends, here I am Sunday morning, all dignity and self respect , what I had left from the last time I was in, is completely gone. Nothing like having a nurse shove a bed pan under you and telling you to hurry it along !!!! Too much pressure. Thanks to my girl for the 'pee prayer' and a great story of her night at work to distract me. And guess what happened???? I DID IT!!
so now I am spending another night here in neuro with the plan to jump the line and see the oncologist guys tomorrow. "if the mountain wont go to Melanie, then Melanie will go to the mountain"
I feel ok, nothing I haven't been through before so....I'll blog soon. I'll be doing lots of writing if the two friends in my head don't learn to get along.
God bless you
I checked in last night after being out with Kristie for what was supposed to be a nice tea date, I started to get dizzy and then BAM!!!
I couldn't walk so we called my other friend to come and pick us up. Now picture this...I live on 19&Lonsdale, 15&Lonsdale is where Tim Hortons is, but I can't make it home so, my blessed friend mary louise who lives on 18& Lonsdale had to come with her car to pick me up. So they both get me in the car and we get to her house where I fully intend on putting my feet up and being waited on while my body settles back down...well my body and I are not on the same page...I become jello, my muscles just collapse I have no control and can bare no weight. Ok let's call 911 and ride to the hospital in style, an ambulance. And in handsome style too (the attendant) I probably would've appreciated that more if I could see straight.
So my friends, here I am Sunday morning, all dignity and self respect , what I had left from the last time I was in, is completely gone. Nothing like having a nurse shove a bed pan under you and telling you to hurry it along !!!! Too much pressure. Thanks to my girl for the 'pee prayer' and a great story of her night at work to distract me. And guess what happened???? I DID IT!!
so now I am spending another night here in neuro with the plan to jump the line and see the oncologist guys tomorrow. "if the mountain wont go to Melanie, then Melanie will go to the mountain"
I feel ok, nothing I haven't been through before so....I'll blog soon. I'll be doing lots of writing if the two friends in my head don't learn to get along.
God bless you
Saturday, 22 September 2012
How could I forget????
I did end up doing my University course through Thompson Rivers University open learning (TRU-OL). It was great, it was the intro to psych. I finished each unit with great marks but struggled on the final but.........I passed and that's what matters:)
I started a second year abnormal psychology course which is the area I really want to get into. The course has been put on hold until i find out my treatment plan, and the effects it will have. That's kind of funny that I'm studying people's brains and mines all messed up too. See, you just never know right?!
That was what I had forgotten to mention.
I started a second year abnormal psychology course which is the area I really want to get into. The course has been put on hold until i find out my treatment plan, and the effects it will have. That's kind of funny that I'm studying people's brains and mines all messed up too. See, you just never know right?!
That was what I had forgotten to mention.
Friday, 21 September 2012
Anyone out there anymore???
Hello:)
Well it's been just over a year. Let's make a year happen in a couple sentences. My awesome daughter went a mission trip to Rwanda. She loved it, the children were great and the leaders there were spectacular. Oh and she became part of the bill paying working class. Graduated high school and while taking a year off she's working. YAY.
So the reason I'm here is because we have had another visitor move in. Haven't named him yet but Alex and I will come up with something weird and wild I'm sure.
It is a faster growing kind then my Oli but not a 'cytoma' which are really bad. So none the less they are putting me back on chemo. God and I have done a lot of work this past year and these past couple days so we have a plan so no need to worry.
It's going to be fine. I figure the chemo will also hit the original tumour do its like I got a 2 for 1 deal. And you can ask my daughter, I'm always looking for a bargain. Well that's about it for today I think. I'll keep in touch and let you know as things change.
Bless you all
Mel
Well it's been just over a year. Let's make a year happen in a couple sentences. My awesome daughter went a mission trip to Rwanda. She loved it, the children were great and the leaders there were spectacular. Oh and she became part of the bill paying working class. Graduated high school and while taking a year off she's working. YAY.
So the reason I'm here is because we have had another visitor move in. Haven't named him yet but Alex and I will come up with something weird and wild I'm sure.
It is a faster growing kind then my Oli but not a 'cytoma' which are really bad. So none the less they are putting me back on chemo. God and I have done a lot of work this past year and these past couple days so we have a plan so no need to worry.
It's going to be fine. I figure the chemo will also hit the original tumour do its like I got a 2 for 1 deal. And you can ask my daughter, I'm always looking for a bargain. Well that's about it for today I think. I'll keep in touch and let you know as things change.
Bless you all
Mel
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