...and there she goes yet again....

I have been in and out of the hospital since last Wednesday.  I had called my oncologist that morning to ask about the affects of the chemo as I was still feeling so bad.  They said to come in right away because the oncologist 'Sasha' wanted to speak with me.  He said that this was not normal (big surprise!!)  He ordered an urgent CTscan to see what was going on.  The scan could not be done until 4:30p.m.  My parents and I went off to the new Swiss Chalet that had just opened up on the corner of Marine Dr and Cap Mall. (plug)
I had just finished a very yummy quarter dinner, dark meat with fries, the same I always order and I started to get dizzy and then it all of a sudden went from bad to uncontrollable.  My mum helped me stumble ridiculously to the car.  I think I looked like someone who had more than one too many at the bar.  I sat in the car and the body went completely limp.  I couldn't move anything, everything just hung and flopped like a rag doll.  For those that have experienced this with me before know how horrible this is for me.  Off to the hospital with an attempt at some small jokes along the way.  Remembering my poor dad and the nurse try to get me out of the car and into the wheelchair is painful.  He's seen me like that and worse before but I don't think that when we told the nurse that,"i couldn't bare weight", she believed us but found out very fast as my upper body started to slip out of her grip.  127bs. dead weight is the same as trying to lift 254lbs.  Good luck.  Anyway with some manipulating of body parts, mission accomplished and in thru the doors bypassing the line and straight onto a bed.  I don't fully remember what happened next, I think I was kept in under observation and my neurologist came in and told me that he thought that my 'collapsing episodes' were my body's way of manifesting subconscious stress.  I thought OK well he's my neurologist and what do I know about this stuff.  So I took it as the explanation.  You know when you eat something kind of bad and it just doesn't sit right with you?  That's kind of how I felt.  I just wasn't 100% sold on that theory. I was released Friday morning at 10:30a.m.  I met with my friend Elisa to go to a lawyers office to have an affidavit witnessed and started to feel a bit dizzy so I grabbed her arm as we were leaving and said "Elisa I need to lay down" and my body crumbled as I slunk to the floor.  Thank God the papers were signed first:)  i Could hear her on the phone and vaguely remember her asking me questions and then having some firemen and ambulance attendants around me.  This ride was even more painful.  I'm just telling you the truth hear so skip ahead if your mind can't handle it.  When they brought me down in the wheel chair with the big black neck brace for restraining your head, it was really hard to not be aware of everyone staring at you.  Yeh yeh I know, at least we have these services so I should be grateful and I am but you do it and look me in the eyes and tell me you are not uncomfortable having all those people look at you.  It's embarrassing.  To make matters worse they undid the strap and one of the women held my head as the one male attendant must've thought he was a strong man (LOL) lets call him 'shooter' (i just like that name) He says to the other male attendant,"just put her arms over my shoulders and I'll just lift her up." ( hello.......I can't hold on remember.  My limbs have gone completely limp remember that's why you came.)  Anyway, so the attendant throws my arms around shooters shoulders expecting them to stay up and they did until shooter moved to pull me up, well lets just say i felt two of them quickly grab my jeans and they are no longer low rise jeans.   Bloody painful.  When we were in the ambulance I asked the lady attendant if she could pull them down a bit.  So here I am 4 hours later and I'm back into emerg at LGH.  blah blah blah, they check my into the neuro unit (7th floor) and as I have to exercise my legs back to normal I decided to go for a bit of a short walk and on my way back I got a little wobbly and a nurse came to help me and as soon as I sat down my body went limp.  So there I am in hospital for another 3 days (out today).  I spent that time praying with God, having conversations with him, journalling and really sitting in this "your collapses are due to subconscious stress".  I was also told that my anti-seizure levels in my blood were way past the acceptable amount.  The max was 50 and I was at 73.  The last time I was in the hospital, the 'stress' factor wasn't layed on the table it was strictly my seizure meds were too high.  
More importantly was what God used this time to do in me.  Thru prayer and much confirmation I believe that my neurologist said what he believes to be true, about the stress.  I believe God used that to remind me that I must submit myself and all my conscious thoughts as well as ask him to take or bring to light any subconscious thoughts that I may have that are not building up but breaking down daily.  For that reminder I am deeply grateful.  I have also been asking God to keep me humble for a while now and I tell ya, if you've ever gone thru the hospital without any control of any body part, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Thank you God for great family.  God performed miracles in that place.  Many of you know that one of the needles I had to take was in my right wrist because they couldn't get blood anywhere else and I was in so much pain from all the poking.  I prayed for Jesus to take the needle because I did 't think I could take anymore and I saw his hand gently lay across mine as the needle went in.  There was no hole, no bruising--nothing.  
I kept my eyes open and little miracles were happening all around me.  We prayed thru the halls, over the rooms, the people in each room.  The spirit was overflowing in my room so much that a lady that worked there, maybe a volunteer, came in to see if I needed anything and she said she could feel the presence of great peace and when she looked where I was sitting in bed she could see a mighty presence and angels around the bed.  Talk about being a light in the darkness for God.  I thanked her for sharing that with me as it serves as a reminder of how important it is to reflect the love we have for God for people to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQcpMfegDsc