Not Alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6rb8KdgM1Q

Well, I.....don't know where to begin, so here's what I've been texting everyone because how I truly feel cannot be worded on any level.  I think what is truly going on is between God and I.  So here's the PG version of what's going on.  I say PG because my heart is more R rated right now.

Well, I would've liked to have gone without that appt.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've been taken out at the knees. I have to see my neurosurgeon to see if he thinks a biopsy should be done to determine if this is an offshoot of my pre existing tumour or if it's an astrocytoma which will really suck. So the chemo is just one really ridiculous pill once every 6 weeks. Of course there's side effects but my body has been pretty strong handling the rubbish they've been putting into me. Good thing God made me athletic all those years.
Anyway, I just really need to feel him in this, I have faith he is with me, I just want to feel him close to me. Please pray for me. I don't know how you can pray, my head is spinning with info so just pray in general.

After saying all that, Alex and I had a fantastic God led talk last night about everything that is going on and have decided a couple things.  Firstly, the original tenant was named Tobias in 2007.  This second one needed a name so considering all the facts we decided on calling it Spooner.  It's kind of cuddled up close to the other one and we think of that as spooning.  People get that and know what it means.  So for now there are two tenants renting space in my head.  I guess as long as they don't plan on having anymore roommates join them I'll deal with spooner as necessary.
Oh, on behalf of my girl, please don't tell her "it'll be OK"  she knows that spiritually but physically no one knows about their lives or Gods plan for them so we can not say truthfully that it'll be fine.  For those of you that know Alex you know she analyses and sees things on different levels to most young women her age.  Just hug us and that's it.  Thanks.
On September 20 I was praying and God told me that I can... "feel sad, angry, disappointed, I can even question him and confront him as to why he let this happen.  I can do all of these things if I do them in Him."  I then had a vision of Gods hands (kind of light and smokey and big puffy 'grandfather hands') He had them cradled and I was in the middle of them having a little temper tantrum.  On the outside of His hands was just dark wasteland.
So I know he's OK with how I feel, I may not be yet but He is and that is whats important.
So bless you all for your continued prayers.
Mel
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