I am here also.

Please click on the title for the song. 

Good morning everyone. I have had a very reflective & very emotional weekend and I have realised a few things.

I feel that I've been focusing so much on how or if others will see God in how I handle this whole radiation thing that I have lost sight of God myself.  This was a hard thing to accept as I was broken this weekend and I really-finally-admitted to myself that I feel like I was robbed when I was diagnosed 4 yrs ago.  I am angry under the facad (sp) of calm and coolness.  I am tired of putting on the brave face for others to see and I am tired of lieing to myself and trying to hide my feelings from God.  Which we all know is not possible but I tried.  The reason I chose the song, attached, that I did was because I was trying to think of a song that really tapped in to how I felt over the weekend and I thought of this one from months ago that I had and as soon as i played it the emotions came on so I know this was the song.  I found it kind of funny how at a strong part of the song it shows someone grabbing their bald marked head, a bald woman laying down and a bald person splashing thru the water. (coincidence? I think not).  Anyways, I wanted to put it out there because it needs to be brought into the light for me to move forward.  So there. its said and I know that I will move past this, I just need to get re-rooted with God and then let go of the last 4 years and then move on (easier said then done).  Can I just ask that people not call me with advice or opinions or suggestions.  Although I know they would come from your heart.  Considering I have spent the last, I don't even know how long, acting for the benefit of others, I'd kinda like to do this without influence.

This is me taking a break from my cancer.  

I am realising now that my cancer does not define me and I need to find out who I am in all this because I got lost somewhere along the way and so did God.  He went left and I went right, so to speak.

Bless you all and please continue to pray for me.

Mel 

"Stand firm with my armor child"

The words at the top of my page today.  Click on the title for the song.
So I am almost finished week #1 of my radiation.  So far so good, I mean it could always be worse, it could always be better.  Really one off sets the other right?!

No new side effects yet, really tired though WOW.  I was not expecting to be that tired.  I am in awe at how people say the most bizarre of things when they don't know what to say.  I am so glad I am not the only one who does that:)

I AM dealing with it, however, you are geographically impaired and don't see me more than once or twice a month at best so please don't assume that I'm not dealing with it.  I am and at times I am weak and cry a bit but those times are mainly when God and I are talking and are not about anyone else but Him and I.  I expect that the normal response to what I'm facing would be some sadness at the unknown, of the restriction of my mask, of the beams that are bouncing into my brain.  I expect that this is all rather normal but like some people wake up and just feel off their game I too have days like that so really I am NO different then the rest of the world.  Some days I wake up and feel so grounded in my faith that nothing could move me and I feel as if all my emotions are kept in place.  other days I wake up and my emotions are more to the surface and showing, its on those days that I pray more and think less.  The only way my family and I are getting thru this is with prayer and most importantly God.  We know that at the end of the day He is the One that stands by us regardless of how we feel.
My daughter told me about Gods body of armor in the Bible and it has come to be quite a verse with me now, in fact, not knowing, my friend brought me a card that has the verse on one side and on the other there is a 'knight' with the armor on and at the bottom it says Armor of God.
I'm going to write this because I think one of you needs to hear this today.

"...Therefore take the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth,and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the equipment of the gospel of peace; besides all these, taking the shield of faith, with which you can quench all the flaming darts of the evil one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God."

Well, I think I will end it with that.  Of course when I feel like writing again I will.  Please enjoy the songs I attach to the titles.  They have spoken to me along this path and its cool for you to come along for what looks like....a wicked cool ride!

Let it go, I am here!

PLEASE CLICK ON TITLE FOR SONG AND LYRICS...NOT HEAVY

These are the words at the top of my page today.  Let it go, I am here!
So today is the day that I shave my head.  I am feeling like I have been slipping into the old Mel.  Hard Mel, listening to hard music, even hard Christian music.  Within our faith we can rebel too and somehow justify it.  The music might be hard but that's OK because its Christian music but what I didn't realise is that it was taking me back to that hard place.  My Pastor Shane prayed with me yesterday for how I would handle my radiation and he says to me, " I have a sense Mel that I need to ask you if there is anything you need to lay at the cross?  Is there anything that you need to (I cant remember the words)...but basically is there anything that I have started to slip back into that I need to submit to God again.  Well I had already started to cry because I knew exactly what he was talking about so I knew it came from God because it was bang on and Shane couldn't have known whats been going on with me, no one has known, its just my thing.  Anyways, so I prayed and asked God to take away my need to lose myself in the hardness of heavy music where I go for an escape and to remind me to just lean on Him and not spiral down into that dark pit.  I was also reminded by my daughter on Sunday that there is a constant battle for our heads and it goes on and on, we don't see it but it is going on behind the scenes so when the time comes when we are feeling vulnerable that's when we really need to up our game and hang on to God with all we have.
I chose the song I did because, its like I recognize and submit and am now once again coming out of the darkness with God, he brought me out into the light and this will be a daily submission and commitment.  I wanted to share it with you all. I hope it speaks to even one of you, maybe you are feeling like I am and maybe you just needed a reminder that even as Christians we can rebel and it is still not what God wants for us.  I never thought I could rebel within Christianity but you can and not even realise whats happening.
God bless you and may you always be protected by angels and the armor of God.

...test me and know my anxious thoughts...lead me in the way everlasting

CLICK ON TITLE FOR SONG LINK

Even perfect days can end in rain.  But at the end of the day , I KNOW who's child I am and that's what will get me thru this season in my life...I am praying that each treatment as I lay strapped down encaged in that mask that I hear the gentle whisper of Gods voice in my ear.

Can I get an AMEN?!

BREATHE INTO ME!!!!

WARNING!!!!!!! THIS IS A VERY LOUD SONG (CHRISTIAN METAL) SO EITHER TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN AND READ THE LYRICS OR LISTEN TO IT AND GET INSIDE MY HEAD-----YOUR CALL, BUT CONSIDERED YOURSELVES WARNED!!!

So I am going thru some serious stuff now getting set up for my radiation.  There's a lot of fear, I'd be lieing and hypocritical to say I was totally fine.  I'm scared and I feel the seriousness of the situation...its beyond joking because it is real.  Yesterday when I was getting my mask made and when I was in the CT scan machine I prayed so hard....my spirit cried out to God. And the funny thing is that I put on the brave face for everyone else because it makes all of 'you' feel OK and then I feel OK cause you're all OK, its like a vicious cycle so how about no one ask me how I'm doing and when I want to talk about it I will.  Right now I just want to work it out in my head with God and as you can tell by the song Him and I are working pretty hard right now.
Breathe your life into me!
I can feel Him right here beside me....and I keep reaching out my hand then pulling it back, then reaching out again and pulling it back, yesterday I reached out my hand and I let Him take it. 
We all have fear but as I've said before, faith means feeling the fear & moving ahead to Gods will anyway, I like taking out will and putting in arms.  Id rather fall into His arms.
So this is a hard chapter of my life.  I will blog and email and face book, but for some reason talking about it is just too hard right now.
If you have comments or questions I am happy to read and answer them but please remember....I know there's people worse off then I am, I know that God is right here with me, I know everyone cares and they just want to help.  I know that I know what I know.  But this is a journey that I am going alone, no matter how empathetic you are, bottom line is that I need to do it and right now its not easy for me.  No question, I cannot imagine going thru this without God holding my hand but sometimes we hang on as best as we can because in that moment letting go seems the easiest thing to do----I WILL NOT LET GO!!!!
Please continue to pray for me my dear friends.
Blessings to you all.
(this is the raw Melanie)

He reigns from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love...

I heard this song and thought He reigns over everything, even this crap!! Even as scared as I am right now looking into the next 5 weeks with radiation and wishing my daughter didn't have to go thru it.  Wishing my family didn't have to go thru it.  It would be SO much easier if it was just God and I.
I know He is reigning over this chapter because He reigns over my life and this is part of my life....a scary part....but He is there.
As I look ahead at what will inevitably be my life, suddenly the me in me that once said, "whatever I'll rock a bald head I don't care!"  That statement now is so NOT going to happen.  I don't even want to see my big ugly scar on my head, never mind everyone else.  Tomorrow I have to go to get the mask for my head molded so that when I get zapped I don't move.  Like as if I would!!!!move I mean!!!
My daughter asked me last night if I was going to change...and my heart broke, even as I type this I can feel my eyes well up.  I told her not too worry that I will still be same mum that I've always been.  You have no idea how hard that is to tell your child that you wont change after you start radiation, half telling yourself at the same time.
It is so hard seeing her go thru this.  She's only 17 and although she's a very faith rooted young woman, I am still her mother and I still worry about her.  Its easy to say "oh well, it is what it is" but saying and believing it is not the same thing.  I say it but then when something changes in my tumour or my treatment---its scary, evening knowing God is right there and it'll be OK, I will default back to 'Faith means feeling the fear and falling into Gods will anyway'!
And again saying this and living it is not the same thing but this is one statement that I CAN live!  This is very real to me.  I can have fear, I don't sit in it,  I feel it give it to God and move onto the next chapter----OK maybe it takes a day or two but I do move on eventually :)
So please pray for me as I go in tomorrow to have my mask made and to hear what my radiation plan is.  Again my life will change so drastically but really aren't all our lives changing all the time?  Mine is just going to do it a bit faster than the majority.
I love reading your comments, I find them very encouraging so please leave them.
Thanks you guys for all your support and for staying in touch with my blog.

God bless you all