Another page today but not so blank, its a short week this week so I had to carry some things over from yesterday! and before I left I wrote the above on the top of my paper for today. I didn't get all my work done------not acceptable-----I should be able to do all my work, get ready for Mexico, handle my cancer, raise a teenager, train, run the world AND be superwoman at the same time. Yeh right!
The amount of times I am reminded to just stop and be still and know that He is God are so many I cannot count.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I've been feeling pretty good this week (it's only Wednesday) but still, pretty good until yesterday afternoon.
Last week I battled with my vertigo, brightness from the sun seems to trigger it which was rather alarming to me as I am days away from going to Mexico for my missions trip. I figured that God will take care of that, however as previously stated in my earlier blog, I started questioning the trip all together.
Anyways, the vertigo has settled down and I was able to get some strong fitted sunglasses, so in total I am now taking 5 pairs down with me.
I went to drop off my taxes yesterday to my friend who is an accountant and she is doing my taxes for me this year. I NEVER leave things until last minute but I totally did on this one. Probably doesn't help that money is a huge stress/anxiety trigger for me, so I do what many other people do--avoid--and more often than not it leaves me in a pile of tears. I showed up at her work with my file in hand...a little cautious but feeling altogether confident that I had everything----except last years tax return???!!!!!!!
Well, I start crying and am so upset with my self, I'm angry because I gave so much of myself to Elite (company I sold out of last year) and because I don't really have anything to show what I put into Elite, except my blood, sweat and tears, I will likely be paying taxes. Why should I have to pay taxes when I gave blood to that company. All the negative thoughts start creeping into my mind----just what the evil one wants right before I go to do something great with God. So along with all the negative thoughts comes self doubt which comes from my brain cancer. I have allowed my cancer to be my crutch when I fall short of what I feel is a reachable expectation. I have been playing the blame game with my cancer! I'll admit it!
And in Gods perfect timing, my pastor (not really MINE) Pastor Shane came into her office and said, "Mel can I see you for about 10 minutes?", I'm not completely self destructive yet so I agreed and wandered down the hallway to his office. I sat down and he turns to me and he says,
"I've been needing to tell you this for a couple weeks now but I just haven't found the right time so I'm going to tell you now. You are meant to go to Mexico, God wants you in Mexico and on this trip Melanie. He is going to do great things in and thru you on this trip and I really felt the need to tell you that. As well as, please do not have such high expectations and don't think you need to live up to any of the teams expectations. I just need you to keep me in the loop as to how you are feeling. If you feel a little tired one day or overwhelmed, just tell me. This trip is not about you or me, so we will just go with it and do what we can. I would be upset if you pushed yourself too hard when really you shouldn't have been not the other way around." I cried because he was totally hitting on a nerve big time!
On Good Friday; I went to church and went up for prayer after and my other pastor, Pastor Dave was praying for me and he started praying about expectations and that I'm not to worry about what other peoples expectations of me are and he prayed that I would not feel the need to do everything or push beyond my limits and that I just relax and not feel the need to---basically control everything .
So the past few days and even weeks this has been an ongoing thing with me. Shane, my pastor that is going on the trip with me had asked me to pray to God and thank Him for whatever it is that I want Him to do in and thru me this coming week in Mexico. He also read to me Mark 11: 22-26, ..."Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"...
So I headed home after this little meeting with Shane, God`s perfect timing of course. Nicely played God! I like to say this to Him sometimes when it`s so clearly His doing.
I left the Church listening to my Hillsong United music from their Aftermath CD (click on todays blog title)....
I was still a little bit in panic mode as I still had to find my last years tax return??????
Nothing at home, so I prayed and verbally gave it over to God saying that this is for Him cause I can't deal with it and I have NO control over this and with that I got on a bus heading to Elite as I thought it MUST be on the computer there......nope! panic again creeps in and the entire time I'm saying" ok God, what do I do now?"
I decided to email my last years accountant and pray that they would send me a copy of my last years tax return by today (Wednesday) as I have to give everything to Brenda tonight. It was a bit cheeky I know because I wanted them to do something for me at no cost to them and I'm not using them this year for my taxes. Off the email goes and with a lot of prayer let me tell you!
Well, God is awesome....5 minutes later I get an email back from one of the junior accountants and an attachment of my 2009 tax return. Oh man I was all up in the praising and thanking God. I said to the owner of Elite..."See when you don't think it will work out it ALWAYS does, it just does"!
So I get on the bus to go home, get home, grabbed my Bible and my journal and started writing.
I thanked God for nudging me and for strategically placing people in my path that would encourage me today and remind me to look to Him for guidance and support not other people or myself. I thanked Him for rocking my world while I was down in Mexico. I thanked Him for the changes that would take place with Alex and I when I returned.
I totally thanked Him for the awesome change in me He is going to make when I'm away, I thanked Him for how He would use me to show Himself to others and to minister to people whoever, wherever they are.
I asked God to forgive me for not leaning on Him in those hard moments but then thanked Him for the opportunity to learn and practise leaning on Him.
And then as I'm typing this to you, the God line that found it's way on the top of my page yesterday as I was headed out my office catches my eye. Some of you may think, oh coincidence. But I say "Oh no....that's totally God!"
So can I just say this, listen for the whispers because THAT is where you find God's voice. It's in the whispers and the small things.
It reminds me of some movie (??) I saw years ago...Oh it was Indiana Jones . He had to guess which goblet Jesus drank from and while the others chose the shiny and bling bling ones and died. He chose the dirtiest and the most 'common' looking one and said that Jesus wouldn't drink from anything that others wouldn't drink out of. That has always stuck with me and I think of that often when I think of God speaking and seeing His little miracles. They are essential to our faith. Not the biggies, its the wee ones that push our faith.
By faith and not by sight.
This will likely be it until i get back from Mexico so please pray for my eyes that they see when they need to and that I am able to remain open for ALL God has to offer.
Bless you all for reading my blog and I pray it touches you and many others thru you.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
"Happy Anniversary Child, today you were set free"
The words that were placed at the top of my clean white paper as I start work today.
Let me start by saying that today is a day of celebration!!!!Today 2007, I was released from hospital after having my brain surgery to de-bulk my cancer. Today is an emotional day for me. In 2007, it was Easter weekend when they found my tumour and now 4 yrs later I embrace it all, thru the grace of God. Last night I was feeling a bit down because I have been having bouts of vertigo (which are actually a different type of seizure), anyways it had me questioning my entire missions trip and I spoke with my deacon and I asked, "if you do something because that's what you think God is telling you to do; if you're wrong will he still honour that because you're doing it in His name?" Well I was very happy with the answer for 2 reasons, 1. she reaffirmed that I should be going to Mexico and 2. she said that God wouldn't leave you just because he thought you made a decision without Him. When I got home I opened my Bible app on my IPhone and it opened to Mark 12:22-25, it's Jesus telling us to have faith in God. Just what I needed to hear. I lean on God on many levels but I still sometimes need to be reminded that I am not alone and that He is with me regardless of my circumstance and that is like a security blanket for me.
I think we all forget, actually , I'll say we all forget sometimes that He is right beside us!
This morning as I sat listening to my favourite EVER song 'Beautiful Beautiful' by Francesca Batistelli, I had an image of sitting at the feet of Jesus with my hands at His feet singing this song.
Today is a day of celebration because He has made me beautiful---cancer and all.
What difficulties in your life are you going thru that you can thank God for?
Let me start by saying that today is a day of celebration!!!!Today 2007, I was released from hospital after having my brain surgery to de-bulk my cancer. Today is an emotional day for me. In 2007, it was Easter weekend when they found my tumour and now 4 yrs later I embrace it all, thru the grace of God. Last night I was feeling a bit down because I have been having bouts of vertigo (which are actually a different type of seizure), anyways it had me questioning my entire missions trip and I spoke with my deacon and I asked, "if you do something because that's what you think God is telling you to do; if you're wrong will he still honour that because you're doing it in His name?" Well I was very happy with the answer for 2 reasons, 1. she reaffirmed that I should be going to Mexico and 2. she said that God wouldn't leave you just because he thought you made a decision without Him. When I got home I opened my Bible app on my IPhone and it opened to Mark 12:22-25, it's Jesus telling us to have faith in God. Just what I needed to hear. I lean on God on many levels but I still sometimes need to be reminded that I am not alone and that He is with me regardless of my circumstance and that is like a security blanket for me.
I think we all forget, actually , I'll say we all forget sometimes that He is right beside us!
This morning as I sat listening to my favourite EVER song 'Beautiful Beautiful' by Francesca Batistelli, I had an image of sitting at the feet of Jesus with my hands at His feet singing this song.
Today is a day of celebration because He has made me beautiful---cancer and all.
What difficulties in your life are you going thru that you can thank God for?
Monday, 18 April 2011
Sshhhhhhh I'm here!
So this is how my day started today with God telling me at the top of my nice, new, clean piece of paper. I don't mind it at all. That's a great way to start your day I'd say.
OK, so something I want to get out there.....take what you like and leave the rest.
God's miracles are NOT always in the physical healing of people. I think we categorize them and assume that in order to receive a miracle of healing it would mean that "my cancer is ZAPPED out of my brain" (I don't actually think God works in ZAPS!!), nor do I think God only works on miracles of the flesh.
People pray that my cancer will be gone completely and I thank people for those prayers but I have received a miracle on many other levels. God has given me this cancer and allowed me to co-exist with it and continues to use it as a tool to speak with and on behalf of other people. I can empathize like I couldn't do before I can come alongside people like I couldn't before. I would certainly say that both of these things are miracles.
Let's not get hung up on the full physical healing being the only miracle. Accepting a disease and still being able to lean on God in the times when you feel the crappiest is a miracle--maybe not by a lot of peoples standards, but that's only because we have molded miracles into something that they don't need to be.
I am a miracle--my cancer is a miracle--how God chooses to use it to reach others in his name is a miracle.
My cancer is a strong weapon that I have been given and I will not sit on the side lines and let it consume me...I am with God and for God.
How about we look at those miracles in our lives.
Anyways, this was my positive rant for the day at least!
OK, so something I want to get out there.....take what you like and leave the rest.
God's miracles are NOT always in the physical healing of people. I think we categorize them and assume that in order to receive a miracle of healing it would mean that "my cancer is ZAPPED out of my brain" (I don't actually think God works in ZAPS!!), nor do I think God only works on miracles of the flesh.
People pray that my cancer will be gone completely and I thank people for those prayers but I have received a miracle on many other levels. God has given me this cancer and allowed me to co-exist with it and continues to use it as a tool to speak with and on behalf of other people. I can empathize like I couldn't do before I can come alongside people like I couldn't before. I would certainly say that both of these things are miracles.
Let's not get hung up on the full physical healing being the only miracle. Accepting a disease and still being able to lean on God in the times when you feel the crappiest is a miracle--maybe not by a lot of peoples standards, but that's only because we have molded miracles into something that they don't need to be.
I am a miracle--my cancer is a miracle--how God chooses to use it to reach others in his name is a miracle.
My cancer is a strong weapon that I have been given and I will not sit on the side lines and let it consume me...I am with God and for God.
How about we look at those miracles in our lives.
Anyways, this was my positive rant for the day at least!
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Forever I am because of Who I am
So, I've been running a little ragged lately, pushing myself probably harder than I should but figured------whatever I can handle it, I'm strong, it's not forever, just for now. I can hear my friend's words echoing in the back of my head,"my Dad used to say, I'll sleep when I'm dead."
This friend is Ali, a very loved and dear friend of mine. So last night I was praying to God and into today and just asking why am I still feeling sick from this flu that I've had since like last Tuesday/Wednesday and then I realize....BING (this is my God lightbulb)....of course, I'm on chemo and these things take longer to get out of my system as they do most. So last night I was talking to my mum and I was a bit sad that I was still sick and that my weight went down and I started to question my trip to Mexico and if maybe I misunderstood God and that maybe I really wasn't supposed to go to Mexico, she calmly says to me," Mel you don't have to always trust yourself, just trust God." And that kinda hit me because it's true. I don't know from day to day what's going to change or happen with my life but one thing I do know FOR SURE with NO doubt is that God knows and all I need to do is trust Him and step aside and let Him do His job.
Psalm 46:10 says 'Be still and know that I am God." I struggle with this. I try so hard to just stay still but it is so hard and I have been asking God to really help me to do this and to lean on Him more....I want to KNOW that I need Him, I want to lean on him for absolutely everything, stripped down to bare bones kind of needing Him, ya know what I mean?!
So yesterday afternoon a wee thought entered my mind, 'always stay humble because of who you are in Me'
This morning I was prayed for on the phone by a friend that I work with and as she was praying about me getting better all I kept hearing was, 'trust Me child, this too shall pass.' and as far as sitting still and knowing He is God----well I've had to clear my entire schedule until Sunday so I can rest up------yes I am sitting still but not by my choice but because God has said now it's time for you to sit!
I guess people; what I'm saying is, it's NEVER about what we want and God totally knows better than us and sometimes its the wee little words in your head or how your cat jumps up onto your lap and snuggles up to you, gently reminding you to just relax.
God knows what's best and I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning to submit to that. He always has my best interest at heart where as I 'people-please' so I push myself beyond what is healthy. We all do it. Go that little bit extra for someone, at what cost though?
Anyways, this has been nice. Talk again soon.
Today, take even just 1 minute to be still and know that He is God.
This friend is Ali, a very loved and dear friend of mine. So last night I was praying to God and into today and just asking why am I still feeling sick from this flu that I've had since like last Tuesday/Wednesday and then I realize....BING (this is my God lightbulb)....of course, I'm on chemo and these things take longer to get out of my system as they do most. So last night I was talking to my mum and I was a bit sad that I was still sick and that my weight went down and I started to question my trip to Mexico and if maybe I misunderstood God and that maybe I really wasn't supposed to go to Mexico, she calmly says to me," Mel you don't have to always trust yourself, just trust God." And that kinda hit me because it's true. I don't know from day to day what's going to change or happen with my life but one thing I do know FOR SURE with NO doubt is that God knows and all I need to do is trust Him and step aside and let Him do His job.
Psalm 46:10 says 'Be still and know that I am God." I struggle with this. I try so hard to just stay still but it is so hard and I have been asking God to really help me to do this and to lean on Him more....I want to KNOW that I need Him, I want to lean on him for absolutely everything, stripped down to bare bones kind of needing Him, ya know what I mean?!
So yesterday afternoon a wee thought entered my mind, 'always stay humble because of who you are in Me'
This morning I was prayed for on the phone by a friend that I work with and as she was praying about me getting better all I kept hearing was, 'trust Me child, this too shall pass.' and as far as sitting still and knowing He is God----well I've had to clear my entire schedule until Sunday so I can rest up------yes I am sitting still but not by my choice but because God has said now it's time for you to sit!
I guess people; what I'm saying is, it's NEVER about what we want and God totally knows better than us and sometimes its the wee little words in your head or how your cat jumps up onto your lap and snuggles up to you, gently reminding you to just relax.
God knows what's best and I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning to submit to that. He always has my best interest at heart where as I 'people-please' so I push myself beyond what is healthy. We all do it. Go that little bit extra for someone, at what cost though?
Anyways, this has been nice. Talk again soon.
Today, take even just 1 minute to be still and know that He is God.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
God's Speaks to us in many different ways
So each day before I leave my job (Hillside Church) I change the paper I've used to make notes on, to a fresh new white piece of paper. I write the date at the top and then I rest my mind and God will bring something either very encouraging or words of peace. So today from yesterday I had written...
"& whoever believes will know great peace".
I am excited to see how God uses this blog to reach thousands in the times ahead. The only purpose, that I'm aware of, for this blog is share my relationship with God with all of you hoping that you will pull strength from it, words of encouragement or at times just knowing that someone else gets it.
I welcome comments and encourage communication and dialogue. I am going to ask that you respect what God is trying to do here and keep your comments constructive. I welcome people to share their hard times, struggles and hopes with my self, one another. We are all in this together and God is helping me get thru each day as he is helping you get thru each day.
This being said,
God bless you all!
"& whoever believes will know great peace".
I am excited to see how God uses this blog to reach thousands in the times ahead. The only purpose, that I'm aware of, for this blog is share my relationship with God with all of you hoping that you will pull strength from it, words of encouragement or at times just knowing that someone else gets it.
I welcome comments and encourage communication and dialogue. I am going to ask that you respect what God is trying to do here and keep your comments constructive. I welcome people to share their hard times, struggles and hopes with my self, one another. We are all in this together and God is helping me get thru each day as he is helping you get thru each day.
This being said,
God bless you all!
Monday, 11 April 2011
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