...and there she goes yet again....

I have been in and out of the hospital since last Wednesday.  I had called my oncologist that morning to ask about the affects of the chemo as I was still feeling so bad.  They said to come in right away because the oncologist 'Sasha' wanted to speak with me.  He said that this was not normal (big surprise!!)  He ordered an urgent CTscan to see what was going on.  The scan could not be done until 4:30p.m.  My parents and I went off to the new Swiss Chalet that had just opened up on the corner of Marine Dr and Cap Mall. (plug)
I had just finished a very yummy quarter dinner, dark meat with fries, the same I always order and I started to get dizzy and then it all of a sudden went from bad to uncontrollable.  My mum helped me stumble ridiculously to the car.  I think I looked like someone who had more than one too many at the bar.  I sat in the car and the body went completely limp.  I couldn't move anything, everything just hung and flopped like a rag doll.  For those that have experienced this with me before know how horrible this is for me.  Off to the hospital with an attempt at some small jokes along the way.  Remembering my poor dad and the nurse try to get me out of the car and into the wheelchair is painful.  He's seen me like that and worse before but I don't think that when we told the nurse that,"i couldn't bare weight", she believed us but found out very fast as my upper body started to slip out of her grip.  127bs. dead weight is the same as trying to lift 254lbs.  Good luck.  Anyway with some manipulating of body parts, mission accomplished and in thru the doors bypassing the line and straight onto a bed.  I don't fully remember what happened next, I think I was kept in under observation and my neurologist came in and told me that he thought that my 'collapsing episodes' were my body's way of manifesting subconscious stress.  I thought OK well he's my neurologist and what do I know about this stuff.  So I took it as the explanation.  You know when you eat something kind of bad and it just doesn't sit right with you?  That's kind of how I felt.  I just wasn't 100% sold on that theory. I was released Friday morning at 10:30a.m.  I met with my friend Elisa to go to a lawyers office to have an affidavit witnessed and started to feel a bit dizzy so I grabbed her arm as we were leaving and said "Elisa I need to lay down" and my body crumbled as I slunk to the floor.  Thank God the papers were signed first:)  i Could hear her on the phone and vaguely remember her asking me questions and then having some firemen and ambulance attendants around me.  This ride was even more painful.  I'm just telling you the truth hear so skip ahead if your mind can't handle it.  When they brought me down in the wheel chair with the big black neck brace for restraining your head, it was really hard to not be aware of everyone staring at you.  Yeh yeh I know, at least we have these services so I should be grateful and I am but you do it and look me in the eyes and tell me you are not uncomfortable having all those people look at you.  It's embarrassing.  To make matters worse they undid the strap and one of the women held my head as the one male attendant must've thought he was a strong man (LOL) lets call him 'shooter' (i just like that name) He says to the other male attendant,"just put her arms over my shoulders and I'll just lift her up." ( hello.......I can't hold on remember.  My limbs have gone completely limp remember that's why you came.)  Anyway, so the attendant throws my arms around shooters shoulders expecting them to stay up and they did until shooter moved to pull me up, well lets just say i felt two of them quickly grab my jeans and they are no longer low rise jeans.   Bloody painful.  When we were in the ambulance I asked the lady attendant if she could pull them down a bit.  So here I am 4 hours later and I'm back into emerg at LGH.  blah blah blah, they check my into the neuro unit (7th floor) and as I have to exercise my legs back to normal I decided to go for a bit of a short walk and on my way back I got a little wobbly and a nurse came to help me and as soon as I sat down my body went limp.  So there I am in hospital for another 3 days (out today).  I spent that time praying with God, having conversations with him, journalling and really sitting in this "your collapses are due to subconscious stress".  I was also told that my anti-seizure levels in my blood were way past the acceptable amount.  The max was 50 and I was at 73.  The last time I was in the hospital, the 'stress' factor wasn't layed on the table it was strictly my seizure meds were too high.  
More importantly was what God used this time to do in me.  Thru prayer and much confirmation I believe that my neurologist said what he believes to be true, about the stress.  I believe God used that to remind me that I must submit myself and all my conscious thoughts as well as ask him to take or bring to light any subconscious thoughts that I may have that are not building up but breaking down daily.  For that reminder I am deeply grateful.  I have also been asking God to keep me humble for a while now and I tell ya, if you've ever gone thru the hospital without any control of any body part, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Thank you God for great family.  God performed miracles in that place.  Many of you know that one of the needles I had to take was in my right wrist because they couldn't get blood anywhere else and I was in so much pain from all the poking.  I prayed for Jesus to take the needle because I did 't think I could take anymore and I saw his hand gently lay across mine as the needle went in.  There was no hole, no bruising--nothing.  
I kept my eyes open and little miracles were happening all around me.  We prayed thru the halls, over the rooms, the people in each room.  The spirit was overflowing in my room so much that a lady that worked there, maybe a volunteer, came in to see if I needed anything and she said she could feel the presence of great peace and when she looked where I was sitting in bed she could see a mighty presence and angels around the bed.  Talk about being a light in the darkness for God.  I thanked her for sharing that with me as it serves as a reminder of how important it is to reflect the love we have for God for people to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQcpMfegDsc

Rough weekend

So I took my new chemo regiment on Friday night.  I learnt very quickly why the oncology pharmacist asked if I didn't want to wait until after the weekend.  I don't even know what to say.  The 6 nausea pills didn't do their job.  You know in this whole cancer deal, we all have an arrangement and my tummy didn't hold up its end of the bargain......at all!  The whole time I kept thinking God hold my hand hold my hand hold my hand.  And that turned into God make it stop make it stop OH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.  And 4'ish hours later it did.  I was flat out all yesterday so that's a good thing I didn't have any wild n crazy plans last night.
I went to church today and then the aftermath.  My tummy started to quiver my head started to get dizzy and I had to sit down and just pray it wouldn't start again.  It didn't go further than that however as soon as I got into my building I could smell people's turkeys and I thought oh no this doesn't feel to good.  Got inside my house lay down right away and put my feet up.  Then complained to my daughter about how crappy I felt, and how I'd have to cancel the wild party I had planned (just kidding)
I told my friends at church today that cancer is like a baseball game, some one has to catch the pop fly, I just happened to catch two.  So this weekend wasn't do hot at all, I know God is with me but it's still a sucky weekend. I am praying I can enjoy this afternoon with my family and maybe enjoy some food also.
Well until more drama,
Bless you and again thank you for your prayers and your comments, please keep them coming it is very encouraging.http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C-KLY4Ie0QU

Ready, set, go🔫💊....and she's off...

So I'm taking my chemo tonight. Ok so it's not as simple as put the pill in my mouth and swallow.  There's a few pills and one mouth. (although it is a big mouth) that's your cue to chuckle at my attempt of pill humor, not much to go on.
So at 5:00 with my dinner I had 3 dexamethazone (steroid and anti nausea) then wait 4 hours with no food and take 1 ondansatron (anti nausea) then 30 minutes later take 4 chemo pills with all the other medication I take at night.
Wake up, have breakfast with a complimentary dexamethazone and at 3:00 have a snack and while in at it I'll throw back my last dexamethazone then I'll go back and do it again November 14.  Thank God  I'm not doing this everyday like last time.
I think dad I have broke my previous record of pill popping because I'm now at 20 in one day.  But just for today❤
I got this cheer from my dads.....partner....girlfriend....whatever, it's really cute so I am sharing it with you.  God provides great support when you just ask and that's all we have to do is ask.  SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS MY PHONE IS GOING A LITTLE FUNNY.

Hi Mel (Carol here),  here's a message for your new pills.

 

Gimme a C     ........... “ C ! ”  

Gimme an H   ..............“ H ! ”

Gimme an E    ..................“ E !”

Gimme an M    ....................“ M! ”

Gimme an O    .........................“O ! ”

 

Whaddya got?“CHEMO!”      -YAAAAAAY CHEMO !

 

“On your Mark......Get Set.....GO!”   

“GO CHEMO GO!”      “Get in there and find Tobias and Spooner.  Tobias and Spooner need to be evicted as soon as possible.   They are not welcome tenants.  Seek and destroy.  Your instructions are to go in there and get them out, but please be careful of your surroundings, and be environmentally friendly.” 

Bless you all and thank you again for your prayers.

Now please pray that I am not blogging in the middle of the night while sitting in the bathroom floor in between shifts.

Hope I made you laugh or at least smile a couple times cause I know I still owed from yesterday.

Uuuuuggggghhhhhhh waiting is SO hard!!!!!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=relmfu&v=FJ2_Gg6ka-k
 Well I got home from work and there's a message in my voice mail asking me to call Dr. Padillas office (neurosurgeon) to discuss setting up an appointment in......November. I couldn't believe it, November? We are only just beginning October. How can I wait until November. That's so long.  Anyway once I get my head around the wait and remind myself that their office is closed Friday and Monday and I haven't heard from the oncology department with my chemo date.
I can feel my mind getting ahead of itself,  starting to race and I can feel the anxiety starting and the questions flood my mind.
"God, why am I waiting so long? I know there's people worse off than me but I never had to wait this long with Dr Klimo.  Why aren't they taking this seriously.  It's cancer not a bloody cut on my thumb!  Oooohh I'm so mad !!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm thinking they are so disorganized and clearly don't know what they're doing over there.  So I call my dad where my rant continues.  "I'll be their worst patient if I have to follow up every single time!!!!" (Imagine I am just realing these ridiculous statements off out of frustration really.  And let's face it, when he had to do emergency surgery on me, someone got put on the back burner. So I should shut up, get on my knees and be grateful, but....I'm mad!
I am not in control here, they are not in control, God is in control and I an reminded that if I stay in him I can freely feel what I feel and have a safe place to do it in.
It sucks, I can't lie, I just want to get going it seems like forever that I was told its grown.  Time is moving so slowly and this thing isn't getting any smaller on its own.
I am trying to think of something 'quick tongued' to  say but I've got nothing.  Sorry, I try to get a laugh in each time but this time I'm too focused on God and not myself and blowing it big time.  Next time I'll make up for it I promise. This song is keeping me sane, among many others.
My dear friend Lois told me once "Melanie, don't ask God for patience, it's a tough one to learn and you'll be waiting around a long time.". There's my funny contribution.  Thanks Lois❤
Ok guys, so my plan is to call the oncology dept. tomorrow and see what's going on there.
I'll keep you all upto date.
Bless you and thank you for your prayers❤