Kicked down...but not out

Well there certainly seems like I have so much to tell you all.  I apologize now and in advance for the ‘few and far between’ blogs.  I don’t have internet at home which means I rely on my cell phone for a connection and that doesn’t always happen.  Anyways, so the last I told you was that I was going to Toronto and that is still happening, my dates have been chosen and the flight is now booked.  My dear friend Mona that most of you will know of, my Cuba partnerJ she is flying into Toronto from Boston for a weekend while I’m there so we will be staying in a hotel for the weekend together and just hang out, get some shopping time in and just be.

It has been a long time since we’ve seen each other and I am totally stoked.  Of course before any of these extras that I get I am staying with my Dad and Carol which is the best part but seeing friends I haven’t seen in 1-4 years deserves mentioning also.

So, my health.  Well I have been very sick to say the very least.  I think I hit my bottom.  Family would likely agree.  The good news about my MRI was very short lived.  The throwing up began again but I would swear it came with a vengeance.  If I wasn’t throwing up then I was on the cusp so stayed in bed or in my house watching movies.  It’s good to rest especially while you’re sick HOWEVER, your mind and the devil gets in there and wreaks havoc.  I got very depressed.  I started questioning my spirituality, my mental capacity and my physical being.  Three things I have always been able to rely on in the past all seemed to get kicked down at the same time.  Having my trip to Toronto was a huge help on my ‘road to recovery’.  I met with a couple very wise friends on the days I was able and received some very wise opinions.  My brother and I hung out quite a bit which was awesome.  We both figured we’re family so if I throw up who cares.  In the wise words of my brother,” I don’t care, if you throw up you know where the bathroom is!”  As of yesterday I am meeting with my pastor to help me work thru some stuff that came up while I had this time on my hands.  It’s not good stuff, just decisions I’ve made in the past.  I know the blackness and rage  that surfaced was not from God but it stuck around which made me think it may be something I need to lay to rest once and for all so that’s the plan.  No point running from our crap cause it’ll catch up sooner or later.  Up until a few days ago my skin remained like it was burned, the cream helped but didn’t get rid of it.  I think it was a side effect that had to work its way thru.  I am happy to say it has left my body.  I am still nauseas but I’m on…ready for this…Prochlorperzine.  It is helping and I have not thrown up in a couple days so thank you God.  Many a night I lay perfectly still with my hand on my tummy praying that I wouldn’t throw up and when I did I cried out to God.  So as it stands right now I have lost more weight than I feel I can afford but I have a plan.  When I get back from Toronto I have until August (next MRI) to get my body ready for another round, possibly, of chemo so I’m going to do what I love to do.  I’m going to start target training with a longtime friend of mine.  I love boxing I trained for years kickboxing but when they found the second tumor I kinda gave up.  Rule #1: just because you’re sick or scared doesn’t mean you should stop doing what you love.  I learned that the hard way.  So learn from my mistake, do what you love because you never know when God will call you home or when you feel so utterly crappy that you can’t get out of bed.

So the song I chose may seem a little dark but I’ll say 2 things about that.  It turns around so give it a chance and it was the lowest I think I’ve ever been thru this cancer journey and I have always shared everything, pretty much, so I’m sharing this also.  Can’t take just good, you take it all or nothing at all.   God there were hard times between us but I’m thankful that we made it thru.  Thank you Jesus. Ame

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGsS46SjvXU&list=PLE09C7D4B24D4E438