There has been so much drama
going on I truly am having a hard time wondering where to even start.
On January 16 I was told by a
Dr. that my second tumour had become so
aggressive that they wouldn’t be able to control it and although the chemo was
shrinking it, it was not enough. He said
they are very worried and I asked if I should be too? Which he answered “YES”. What I really meant to ask was if I should be
worried for my life.
The next day a social worker
calls me and I asked her to ask the question that I meant to ask and get back
to me…. (Just when I thought my life couldn’t get crazier) I received a phone
call at work and after a song and dance I was told the Dr. said I have about a
year or so before I die.
Great!!!! So I called my
pastor, who I work for, started to cry and asked him to pray for me. All I could think about was how God HAS to be
in this because there’s no way I could tell my daughter and my family this
shitty news. Well of course I did and I
broke so many hearts it broke mine time after time. Each time I told someone what was going to
happen my heart broke, whatever was left of it because I don’t think I could’ve
given Alex worse news.
Alex was amazing, we prayed
together knowing that God hadn’t left us and although this was horrible, He was
in this place and would get us through. We
decided as a family to journey this together and Alex and I would go with Jesus
one step at a time and not think about the ‘lasts’; no point wasting time. I was determined to make the best of every
relationship, all those times I wanted to spend time with Alex when she was
growing up but couldn’t cause I was working so much, I was going to do it now.
But something was bugging me a little
bit. How did my second tumour get so bad
so quick? I felt fine, thought I looked
fine, even seemed to get my dizziness under control…this was just weird. Well the Dr.
is a professional and I am not so …I will just double check when I see another
Dr. on the 29th of January.
During this time my Dad had
been in touch with Princess Margaret Hospital
in Toronto. They have a reputation to be one of the
leading research and treatment facilities for cancer in Canada (especially my kind) So I
wasn’t going to wait entirely for this next Dr.’s appt. I was obviously expecting to hear the same thing;
after all they are both specialists in the same field. I mean who tells a patient they have an
expiration date if they are not pretty sure??!! Apparently, this guy does.
I went back on the 29th
to see the next Dr. and when I asked him how it got so bad so
fast? He looked at me as if to say “what
the hell are you talking about?” So I
relayed the news that I had been told and he said that he has no idea why I was
told that because although my second tumour is more aggressive it is shrinking
with the chemo and when that stops working there are other treatment options we
will try. Well I started firing
questions because I was furious. Don’t
misread that; I was thrilled that I was going to live but livid that I had put
my daughter, family and friends thru such emotional hell. Apparently the first Dr. was a radiologist oncologist
not a neuroncologist so he shouldn’t have been telling me anything without
speaking with the neuroncologist who specializes in brain cancers and
treatments.
So what to do when you have
two different professional opinions on your life? Well you continue praying and then you Fed Ex
your images and your entire medical file to Toronto
to Princess Margaret Hospital. It just arrived todayJ
I can say with all truth that
I didn’t stop praying the entire time when I first heard the news. I felt God beside me the whole time, He was
there when I told Alex and in our home praying with us every night.
So the bottom line is only
God knows my expiration date like the rest of you and that feels so
amazing. I am not wasting time on petty
things and the most important gift from God that I took away was to appreciate
my family and friends more and see the little miracles that God gives me daily.
Thank you for your ongoing
prayers and please pray for my chemo to continue to work, regardless of how
much.
I am starting another round
on Monday the 4th.
